Another False Start... My Heart Hurts. But It Will Heal.

My first post... Well, I did try to look at the silver lining of things and understand where I was etc. Worried about my life as an architect gone bye-bye... And excited about my life as a mother. As you can guess, I am still glowing and smiling about my little Xan. The budget thing I wanted to do is still SO difficult. When you can't make ends meet I don't even know how to have a budget. Somehow we find a way to make it, but money is so tight it literally takes my breath away. However, being home is still priceless. I love, love, love being at home with the baby. He changes so much everyday. I hang on his every coo and little movements that are turning into real gestures.

I had an epiphany today while browsing pinterest... yes, I'm as obsessed as everyone else... and I realized I was actually missing something significant from my daily life. Believe or not, as an artist here in La Junta, I do not have an office/ craft/ creative/ studio space. I actually haven't had one up and running since I was "removed" from my job in 2010. It is as if my soul is packed away in boxes and bags. I get to haul them out once in a while and make an unbelievable mess that bugs me... but hey what's a gal to do.

That was my epiphany. I need my own creative space. I need my artsy office supplies where I can see them. I want my drawings up on the walls; and paints and markers where I can access them when I have the smallest bit of time. I realized that at my grandmother's house we will have a lot of space to stretch out and have room to grow. I'm homesick worse than ever now that our making plans to move home in January have turned into moving... we don't know when. Yes, you read that correctly. Another false start. We've had so many that my patience, heart and will are being broken more than ever. I'm slowly trying to move toward acceptance but it is very difficult. And there are a lot of tears this time.

My table is black. I can't afford that chair... Nor do I want to sit in it for many hours a day! But the computer is mine.

I'm heartbroken again. So this move, that isn't going to happen now. Makes my soul ache and makes me feel like I can't get there soon enough. Maybe the grass is always greener... I know that supporting my husband and doing what is best for Xan are the most important decisions I can make right now. I am being selfish... I just can't wait to hug my mom everyday... and see my sister... and wake up knowing that I am home. I'm trying to remind myself that I have a home because John and Xan are here with me. Yes, remind myself that it is okay that the prairie of Colorado will be my home for a little longer. It hurts. I am trying to grasp at what ever I can right now to make the healing start as fast as possible. I'm reorganizing the house (always step one to a heartache for me) and unpacking the boxes that were packed. I'm pretending that it's okay. Fake it till you make it is what my friend Kathryn would say. Put a smile on your face. You get 24 hours to grieve then get up and get going.

Ideal.

I've had my 24 hours. I cried for most of them. Feeling my prospect of jobs and architecture partnership with my friend Karen slip away. Feeling my mom and sister's disappointment over the phone. I have also watched John run not walk to the police station to tell them he is staying. I've watched his gloom over our move turn into excitement for his career. I get to stay home with Xan. I suppose my career lust over the years is what I'm mourning. I love my job... loved my job. I wanted to start it again as soon as possible. I guess that isn't what God wants for me right now. I am not feeling sorry for myself and wondering if I made decisions regarding my path too quickly. It isn't about loss... even thought I use the word grieving. I suppose that is a subconscious thing... I do believe I am on a good path. I have prayed for what it is. I know that when we put those kinds of requests in front of God that it is never what we envision for ourselves. It is what God envisions for us. And it is the right thing. Sure, it hurts. But there is also a kind of peace that says - don't go in that direction right now. I've got something wonderful for you around the corner. Just wait.

On my to do list today...

Today, I'm buying a desk for my computer and a table for my sewing machine. I'm going to set my creative space in motion. I'm hanging pictures of my family and my art on the walls. I'm getting my drawings out and I've committed to learning the complete ins and outs of graphic design. I'm getting certified in the Adobe Creative Suite. I'm going to work from home. I'm going to make it work. I'm going to try very hard to earn enough money to get us home. However, I can. I'm also going snowboarding to clear my head and heal my heart. It is snowing here in La Junta today. You may think I'm odd... but it is the happiest thing that I can imagine happening today. It gave me hope. Snow... gave me hope.

Sewing is something I want to master. Like my Mom :) I have so many memories of her wonderful projects.