Thursday, February 3, 2011

Oh, Valentine's Day... is it that time already?

Okay. I realize I always start a sentence with okay when I really need to get something out. And I say - So - when I need to take a breath. Bear with my grammatical idiosyncrasies. It is that time of year for me. Forgiven?

So, it hasn't been a whole year since my last post. But close enough. Valentine's Day is around the corner and that pairs with the fun that I'm going to be another year older. I got a little sentimental for the old blog and thought you'd enjoy a walk down 2010 lane with me. There have also been a very few guys in and... out of my life in the past year. One of them moved away... so he took the drama with him. It was also a bleak summer since I was home in Michigan. And the fall flew by as I suffered though my job. Cupid applied for the unemployment extension. Thank you Obama... (if you haven't heard, the 5 o'clock shadow isn't helping the job search) So, after an extremely brief and unexpected layover in relationship station around Halloween... the year of 2010 ended in a very interesting way. Needless to say, I was happy. It wasn't what I could ever had predicted and that is always really nice. Of course then I was laid off on January 3rd. Oh reality you bite hard.

I'm fine. Things are looking up job wise. But to recap from March to January, the usual hodge-podge of labeled guys have stayed in the past. I learned A LOT. Having my Dad go through the cancer run definitely gives you a good slap too. Also, Cupid and I got some game plans and we know some signs. We've got some real deal breakers... know when to walk and we know when to run like hell. We've even worked our way up to friendships with a couple of our post blog dates. We've also ended some friendships with others.

So I will share a story that was a sort of sad break-up. This isn't new news but within a few months anyway. I had decided after our last date I was going to stop seeing him. We actually went on about 3 or 4 dates. I tried I really did! In the end I would be told... I never tried. Really?? How do you know?? To get into the story, he wanted me to meet his sisters and brother... after the second date! But I wasn't ready. I told him I wasn't ready. I wasn't even kissing him! We weren't connecting after several dates. You just can't force these things... and he had asked me to dinner again. I knew that this dinner was going to be the "define the relationship" dinner. He really liked me. I knew that. I didn't want to lead him on. I am the kind of girl that does this in person. It's hard, but respectful.

I had not responded to his text that morning. I had made plans to have brunch with one of my guy friends. So before I called him to sit down and talk I figured I would meet with my friend and decide when to plan for the dinner later. Even get a little guy perspective. And would you know it, the guy I was going to break the news to... shows up to the same brunch spot. Yup. Walked in right behind me. I asked if he was meeting someone. He said no. I told him I was meeting someone. He said he wanted to talk about my "distance". And started into all that he wanted to say. I said it wasn't the time... we could get together later... This is all pre-friend arrival. I had already had a couple of conversations with him about not being seriously involved and that I didn't want to get serious. No, I never even let him get past a kiss. None of that matters. Because he went over the fence as soon as he saw my friend walk in. He jumped right on the conclusion board said, "I get it". And left in a huff. Even my friend looked at me like, So... Rebekah, you want to talk about that? Thing is... he didn't get it. And... I didn't call him.

I didn't cheat on him. I didn't take advantage of him. I told him I didn't want a boyfriend. I told him I didn't want to meet his family. He still had the whole thing played out that I was the one. Just like the guy from Halloween. They both had all the expectations that I was this girlfriend of theirs. No matter what my actions were or what my words were.

If you've seen the movie 500 Days of Summer there is this part where they split the screen one side labeled "expectation" the other "reality". I gave them both all the information they needed to be sane. Yet (by the way) neither of them chose not to be sane when it came down to it. No. I am not being holy or anything. I know I've been there done that. But I've perked up and listened for those words, AND picked up on those actions. :) <----- That is me being proud of ME. Because I am aware of my own. I was honest and could walk away knowing I had done and said the right things for me. This also allows a look at the guy across from me and know when to walk away too. Even if he isn't as honest with me as I might be. I'm looking for the little things. It's not scientific. But it allows me a little dignity. Without getting too disappointed. If a guy wants to be with you - he will be with you. More lessons from He's Just Not That Into You... laugh and smile. It's tough sometimes.

Cupid is still perched on my shoulder. He's still a friend, albeit one who needs me more than I need him.
I just haven't been lucky enough to have that person sitting across from me look at me the way I look at them yet. I'm just looking for a little perspective. You do a million random things in each day and meeting that person could be one of them. Or not. What are ya gonna do? Just be yourself right? And that means I put myself out there. And that's just me.

So, in 11 days, I'm still going to be me. And two days later... still the same girl. Probably with a bigger *sigh* and with 38 Valentine's Days behind her.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Where the Wild Things Are

Cupid was on a rampage for St. Patrick’s Day. I don’t know if it’s jealousy or just plain competitive spirit for the holiday season… but he was bad. And I of course got into a little trouble. 24 hours of not so good decision making. Fun? YES. Feeling a tad humiliated… and may even come out of it with a couple of scars. Eh. I am talking the actual physical kind not the emotional type. Let me introduce you to Mr. WildLife.

Enter ‘The Boy’. Waaaay too cute for me and out of my league (just my small opinion) later this will change. I get introduced by a friend. He says we were supposed to meet a few other times. But I stood him up and didn’t show. He actually names two places I did bail on. Huh. (big smile from me) Oh so flirty. It provokes him to say things like – ‘I’ve been waiting for you, I’m so glad you decided to show up’. Yeah, I can’t make that up. And because both Cupid and I are one glass of champagne and two Guiness in… We give each other the nod thinking – WOW… St. Patrick’s day is AWESOME!!

I won’t speak for Mr. WildLife (yet). But I was having a GREAT time. We danced, drank and snogged the night away. Inseparable for 24 whole hours. (ear to ear grin here) He held my hand and kissed my forehead every time he looked at me. (sound familiar?- see Mr. Perfect) He smiled and laughed and dragged me across Denver. I found him infinitely interesting. I don’t think I’ve ever been so interested in listening to someone before. I let him talk about himself all night. And I did mention how adorable he was right? And that he was talking to me. (Sorry, I know you all have your opinions but I am humble about my appearance. And after all the crazies and being dumped about 20 times in the last year. Well, again… humbled. I’m still catching up with hearing that I’m ‘hot’. Especially at my age. And even more so because no one sticks around.) Did I mention he told me I was hot like three times? (stick a fork in me, I’m done like dinner.)

So, let’s just skip to the end. The scars. We kissed so much that his 5 o’clock shadow has left my chin a little raw… I giggle. But now that he’s bailed it just hurts and I’m not amused at my behavior… and I have to model on Thursday!! Damn it Cupid. And we made out everywhere. Even like in high school, when chairs just got too predictable. So there were… on the floor for a bit… so yeah, I’ve got one of those little rug burn spots that you get when you’re 16 on my back. DAMN it Cupid. Again… modeling on Thursday… open back dress. Uh… going to have to do some serious make-up work and a lot of lies to make up about the gym… What was it I used to say to my ballet teacher?

Mr. WildLife made me act like a teenager. It was so much fun!! I honestly thought oh my god this guy has got to be into me!! Sure. What kind of animal am I? The foolish kind. I’m thinking who kisses someone this much if you aren’t into them!!?? Oh, right. If you’ve had a lot of Guiness you’ll kiss someone that much. And if you’re Mr. WildLife. Or if you just feel like snogging every St. Patrick’s day with a random girl. Or maybe if you’re the Wildman you might do this every weekend.

Whatever it is I’m trying not to take the fact that he didn’t want my phone number or to see me again personally. Maybe it’s a St. Patrick’s tradition of his? So the next time you’re checking out animal habitat. In Denver the wild things come out on drinking holidays and prey on girls like me. They live in various parts of the City and dress like hipsters in their vintage green things. They make you feel irresistible until of course they are sober enough to not say anything really except that they need to do their laundry. Wild.

At least these guys stay more or less interesting. Obviously it will depend on your point of view. Since you all read my blog because you’re my friends I hope you can hang with me for a while and ultimately take my point of view which is that this guy is lame 364 days out of the year. Actually NOT out of my league. In fact, in my harsh light of day not worth another 24 hours. (insert smiley face here)

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Getting Used To My Box

It’s been a couple of years now that I’ve been checking the box 35-44. And I am getting settled in here. It’s not as bad as it could be… or that I thought it might be. Especially as I creep oh so much closer to the middle range of that box. A little hesitation… no dread. I still love the ‘you’re kidding…’ after I tell people my age. I will always love that… ummmm as long as it keeps happening.

It is on this day, my birthday, that I can’t help to examine the timeline of successes and failures. What should have I accomplished? What do I want to accomplish? You know you beat yourself up a little that your how old?? And what are all your friends doing that are younger and prettier than you doing?? Having babies and married with happiness glowing from every pore. Maybe even launching careers that actually don’t get laid off in 8 to 10 yr. cycles. Ugh. Do I want babies yet? Do I want still want this career? Am I burning out? I’ve felt exhausted sometimes wondering what I could have done. So, I’ve decided not to waste any more time on it. Ever. Why you ask?

Two significant events happened in my life over the past 8 months that are responsible for this non-self loathing. One during June of 2009. And the other just as the year was ending. Both of those events turned what I thought was okay in the world inside out. Then they proceeded to smack me hard taking my breath away so that I would stop right in my tracks. I know it all sounds so dramatic. But it is my nature to assess, solve and move on. (Oh and be somewhat emotional about it, but you all know that.) These events were meant to change me in a big way.

In June of 2009, my Uncle took his own life. The gut retching reality to this fact is that nothing you say is comforting, nothing you do feels like it is enough and no questions can be answered. The tragic and simple acceptance of what has occurred is only that you must not be angry. You must love and understand more deeply than you’ve ever thought possible. My Aunt, then tried to take her life several times in her own grief. I was on the phone for weeks, days then by the hour even up to a few weeks ago while she was in intensive care after over-dosing. I just kept grasping for the words. I never found them. I only found myself sitting in silence on my sofa every night wondering what could possibly happen next.

You should never wonder what could happen next. No good can come of it. While I was trying to keep a cool calm demeanor at work and with friends the next layer was to present itself in a cruel way. In December of 2009, someone I trusted and admired took the all to cliché opportunity to make the move to hit on me during and after our company holiday party. Blaming it all on beer of course. Becoming the worse nightmare I had ever imagined as my personal and now career life both crumble together.

I’m not able to think of myself as well… attractive enough to warrant such advances. Well, it did happen and it made me sick, seriously. That night I actually threw up while retelling the story. I was angry. I was to give up what little I had?? walk out the door and not look back??

Oh hell no. I took the power back. I filed a formal complaint. I left the group he leads and I have my dignity and self intact. I made a clear statement that I do not and will not put up with toxic bullshit. It took me a week to build the courage. It’s taken me two months to feel like I did the right thing. I am the woman who looks him in the eye from time to time to let him know… not me, not ever you disgusting loathsome pig.

I am finally okay to acknowledge that some things are lost. Really lost. You get these huge EXIT signs from the universe and I have in the past ignored them and fought so hard to stay. Eventually I just got kicked out and it hurt so much. But this time… I SEE the exit sign, find the RIGHT way to exit and then proceed to my new destination with self intact. So…I’ve decided no more this is next… but just asking ‘what’s next?. Feeling the freedom to see what comes along. What makes me happy? And then going toward that happiness.

So guess what I figured out?? I am proud to be ME for the first time in my life. I mean REALLY happy for myself! I’ve realized I have dealt with some shit. And I actually sort of well came out… successful. Damn if that mid-west guilt won’t let me be happy for myself sometimes. But I am dusting myself off for the last time and saying it loudly. I DID THIS. I worked hard. I got to this place. And I got knocked down a lot. I got pushed around. I even got canned a couple of times. But I am still here doing what I wanted and hoping still to make a difference and going forward. I even helped on some significant stuff along the way. I am even ready to take credit for some of it! I’ve got some good attributes. I follow through. I’m kind to people. I also smile a lot and give hugs. I say I love you. I return as many calls as I can. I think of everyone often and I miss my friends more than they’ll know. I have a pile of Christmas cards that you’re all still getting when I buy some stamps. Because I mean it. I’m sincere. And I don’t give up easily. (smile)

Oh… and an update.

So my expectations for a Valentine didn’t pan out. Who cares right? Because most importantly my birthday has been awesome! I had an early birthday dinner date that was fun and even got along with all my friends. And today he’s been charming and wonderful and did I tell you he helped me get a Wii for my birthday?? YIPPEE!! He’s even making me dinner tonight. I guess that makes up for the amazing mussels I made him. We make food for each other all the time and I just got pissy because it was Valentine’s Day. Damn I need to get back into some perspective. Things are WAY better than they have been. Why did I pressure that damn day?? Stupid estrogen. Thanks Cupid you’re not so bad after all. (That is when you haven’t been drinking the hard alcohol.)

Monday, February 15, 2010

That V-Day or most appropriately called "Vampire Day"

So since it was Valentine’s Day I thought I should write something up. After all if you’re going to title a blog after such a hideous holiday I suppose one should say something.


Updates

Cupid is still crashing at my place. Eating my food and drinking my wine. He’s gotten really apathetic about finding a job. I left him on the sofa when I went up to Winter Park snowboarding for the weekend. I would have brought him, because he did deserve a little fun during his time off… but I figured he would just get me into trouble. Cupid tends to get overexcited when there is a lot of action going on, especially with all the uber cute snowboarders on the hill for the weekend. Actually, I think I should have brought him.

A few days before I left for the mountains I had a couple emails from the pit of of the eX-files. It wasn’t horrible. Nice notes from the depths of their bleeding hearts wondering why the hell they ever messed up and left such an amazing woman as myself. HA I jest… and cry a little.

No, the eX-file emails were actually more like, Email One from Puppy Love: “Hey, I saw on Linked In that your company got bought… Congratulations, how’s that going for you?” This was obviously a ploy to get in touch AGAIN like he seems to every three to four months. Then apologize for ‘losing touch’ every three to four months. Yes, I responded… eh. Cupid made me. Okay, I just responded because I honestly have nothing better to do. I told The Pup that I was good and that working with 44,000 people has its perks. He wanted to catch up but I told him that I was on my way up the mountain for a few days. He suggested we get together when I got back.

This guy I should actually name Confounded. Mostly because he doesn’t know what he wants. Hmmm. A pattern! UDA may have the market on architectural pattern books. Maybe I have a niche in behavioral patterns of dating men in their thirties?? No. Seriously, I realize that would be a book of mythology and conjecture paramount to the writings of brilliant Greek philosophers. Eh…

Email Two from My Lost Love: “I’m listening to Tangled Up in Blue”. Yes, the song has significant meaning between myself and that guy who brought down the house in the blog titled – Larger than Lifesize. *sigh*. I wish I could stop missing him.

So my weekend was okay. I wasn't expecting miracles. But then again... I was. I didn’t have a Valentine as the one I had hoped might be in a generous mood. Alas, he was not. And made it an extreme point to drill it into me that he had promised a friend who was sad about not having a Valentine that he would be hers for the day and that I should get over it immediately. So that’s that… I'll let you know when I get over it.

Yes, I love punishment so I made him dinner anyway (my delicious mussels... lucky jerk) and then I went home without so much as ‘thanks’. I watched 4 episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer picturing his face on every kill (cause that’s what made me feel better).

Last year, my friend Kelli and I saw Twilight so I think this is a good pattern too. Blood, heartache and soulless creatures. I can handle that so much easier than getting blown off.


Cupid held my hand cause he just knew better.