Be My Valentine

Here it is... tomorrow I mean. Valentine's Day. The day that started it all. The day I still kind of fall apart on... I can't help it. Being cursed for so long... John and I started to have a disagreement yesterday that turned into a standoff for a few hours and I crumbled. I let the "curse" take hold and I cried a little.

I thought this is ridiculous... it's just Wednesday. NOT the week of Valentine's Wednesday. 

So, I worked to make it better. And because he's my John... so did he. That is why we work. That is why we make it. Because together we have the same end result in our mind every time. Not once in while. EVERY time we want a solution that makes us both happy and we are willing to throw everything we've got at it. We talk openly and honestly like I wish I could have with so many other relationships, but didn't. I guess I had to grow up. I had to realize that someday, you have to spill some guts to get it all. Risk vs. reward.

I was afraid to let them see me. I would fall apart... not attractive. No one likes a girl that crumbles. Well, I crumble. And John knows that. He accepts that as part of me. He doesn't hold it against me and he doesn't prey on it. He also has a quick defense when I'm clearly not attacking. I work with it. I do not attack him either. I rework my words until I get the right ones. We have lived through all of the selfish, crazy, and "this is how it should be" scenarios that we've both made in our lives and have let them go. Yes, selfishness can rear it's head here and there... and sometimes it needs a cuddle and a pat on the head... yes, you can have your way... But, most of those little fits are just silly and we move on. We move on together.

I read an article yesterday about putting aside all the adjectives that we like to throw at our kids, our spouse, partner, colleagues etc... It started by asking what did parents say to Olympic athletes that made them so successful. Here is the link: 6 Words You Should Say. 

To sum up -  we can really sum up our feelings toward them very quickly with a simple and powerful statement. I've been trying it out... and damn if it doesn't work on me as much as the person I'm saying it to. You can feel the lovely energy and it makes you smile so much!! It feels like a lovely incantation that does so much good. Try it out today. Start with something simple like:
"I love watching you ________."

I love watching you play.

{doesn't matter if you're perfect to anyone else; you're always perfect to me}

I love watching you smile.

{and I will do everything in my power to make you smile}

I love watching you teach Xan.

{seeing John with Xan makes me miss my father, 

but I can see that Xan has a wonderful life ahead of him}

I love watching you make every detail on your uniform perfect.

{the pride and passion that goes into your work fills my heart with happiness for you}

I've put together a little montage of quotes that, to me, say something about how we love. 

You can print and share the ones that resonate most with you if you'd like. 

A Reunion with Cupid for Valentine's Day

With Valentine's in the namesake of my blog you have to know how special or how much Valentine's day has played into my life. Cupid is here with me today. He used to be my flat mate. For three years we lived together, talked, cried, laughed A LOT... even shared a few scary moments. Though it all we stayed the most amazing friends. So we thought we might talk about what life is like for both of us now four years after this blog has started.

Rebekah: Cupid, I remember when you got laid off and you turned up on my doorstep. I welcomed you in with open arms. I was so sad about your lot. I hoped I could help. How are you remembering that day four years later?

Cupid: Well my darling, it was the most difficult day in my life. Getting sacked as a bringer of love and happiness is no easy thing. I was boggled. Something drew me to your door. I had been hanging around you for a couple of years or so, on and off. I knew if I had the chance to regain any of my former self. I would find it in you. You never seemed to give up on love.

Rebekah: You've always been so kind to me. I love being in love I suppose. Maybe that's why we were always meant to somehow be in each others life. Even from the time that I was a little girl a Valentine with your picture on it, the big red and pink hearts... I just knew there could be nothing bad about this day! Yet, obviously as I got older that whole idea just seemed to be like reaching for stars.

Cupid: Funny thing about stars love... It has to be dark to see them doesn't it?

R: You're so missed... Now that love is all around this family I feel like I should be seeing more of you!

C: All of the cupids are drawn to those who are in love. It is an incredible thing to be promoted to a cupid for us. We seek out love like a little moth to the flame. We hope to fan it into exactly what you have. You're relationship and others like it are the pinnacle of our career!

R: I love your flattering words! My goodness we've been through so much! I'm so glad we were together in it all. I knew you would not fail me. I always trusted you... well, to a point!! You were grabbing for any straw there for a while buddy!

C: I know... I know... I so desperately wanted you to be happy! You're so kind and you had this great outlook before every date you went on. Trust me when I say - It wasn't YOU!

R: I am SO lucky to have you on my side! And I am glad that we made it through in the best way possible. I have to ask, when you got your job back, I hope it was my reference that made the difference to the higher ups.

C: Your reference made all the difference. When you told them how hard I worked, and that in the end it was my push that opened your heart to John... well, I was back with open arms. My colleagues are actually pushing me to go on the lecture circuit now to talk about our story.

R: WOW! Well, when you told John to propose to me at Tiffany's jewelry store... and picked out a ring circled in 'xoxoxox' that was more than brilliant... it was a dream come TRUE! Cupid, I would LOVE for you to share your stories on the blog... Could you do that? Be my guest blogger from time to time? Tell us about what's going on in the world of love? Trust me when I say we could team up on some great stories. The great ones and the sad ones.

C: I'd love to!! But I really have go to get going. Thanks for letting me catch up on this amazing day. I've got to go and set some things up in southern California for a lost couple. But I will be back very soon to write up some great love stories!

R: Thanks again for coming by. I hope we see you again soon. Hugs to you on your amazing day.

C: And love to you... Happy Valentine's Day <3 p="">

A Series of Beginnings and Endings

When least expected, the unexpected happens. Yes, I know, duh. And yet such an exciting part of life. That is, when the change that has occurred happens to be one you've hoped for, prayed for, longed for. When I met John I had no idea that within in the span of four weeks we would be married. It was a whirlwind romance found in books long, long ago. Our life began with what truly amounted to a three month honeymoon while I worked from home and he started school again. We loved spending time together at the zoo, walking around our Capitol Hill neighborhood and just enjoying the feeling of finding your true love. Yes, birds and hearts would actually circle our heads. They still do.

In four months we would move from Denver to Las Animas, Colorado; a very small rural town in the southeast prairie. It would take us 208 miles from our friends, neighborhood and life as I’d known it. I would transform myself from an architect to become a school teacher to 7th graders. In another three months we would leave our beloved first home behind and move temporarily to our second house in Las Animas. John would graduate from the police academy and secure a job in another town up the road. Because of the new job we would have to move in three months to said town up the road and find another house.

We would also find out that we were pregnant.

We celebrated our first wedding anniversary April 23, 2012 in our new home in La Junta. I was 6 months pregnant. John had been at his job for four months. He absolutely loves it. I’ve never seen anyone happier to go to work every day when the alarm goes off. I on the other hand was having a very hard time adjusting to being a teacher. I know now that I resented it. I wanted the life of an architect that I had known for twelve years. I hated that kids didn’t want to learn. But I kept at it and by the second semester I was doing a lot better. I’d crafted lessons that were about life and leadership. I found a little ground to stand on to get me through the year.

School is out now and I’m “inbetween” jobs. I’m waiting for my new lifelong career as a mother to begin. We’re due on July 20, 2012. So I don’t have too far to go. In the meantime I seem to be drifting. I’m honestly a bit lost. There are no possible job prospects here that can apply my education and experience. That makes me sad... frustrated... sometimes I cry about it. I loved my work. But my husband has for the first time the only job he has ever loved. And it makes me smile and truly does make me happy to see him go to work everyday and come home with a sense of pride.

I’ve reimagined this blog because I know that I can work things out when I talk about them. Only thing is... I don’t have any friends here I can talk to. I spend my days alone. We have a dog. Her name is Irma. She doesn’t mind me ranting at her sometimes. But at the end of the day, I don’t know what to do next. I’ve been working on my domestic goddess status. It is a bit frayed. While I love cooking, sewing, crafting and solving organizational problems around the home, we are a one income family. My ideas are lofty. I’m working on half a shoestring most of the time.

So here is my new blog about life on the prairie with my forever valentine John. My new baby boy is on the way. I’m sure things are going to change a lot. I’m so glad for that. Like I said in the beginning of this post: When least expected, the unexpected happens. And yet such an exciting part of life. That is when the change that has occurred is one that you had hoped for, prayed for, longed for.

Oh, Valentine's Day... is it that time already?

Okay. I realize I always start a sentence with okay when I really need to get something out. And I say - So - when I need to take a breath. Bear with my grammatical idiosyncrasies. It is that time of year for me. Forgiven?

So, it hasn't been a whole year since my last post. But close enough. Valentine's Day is around the corner and that pairs with the fun that I'm going to be another year older. I got a little sentimental for the old blog and thought you'd enjoy a walk down 2010 lane with me. There have also been a very few guys in and... out of my life in the past year. One of them moved away... so he took the drama with him. It was also a bleak summer since I was home in Michigan. And the fall flew by as I suffered though my job. Cupid applied for the unemployment extension. Thank you Obama... (if you haven't heard, the 5 o'clock shadow isn't helping the job search) So, after an extremely brief and unexpected layover in relationship station around Halloween... the year of 2010 ended in a very interesting way. Needless to say, I was happy. It wasn't what I could ever had predicted and that is always really nice. Of course then I was laid off on January 3rd. Oh reality you bite hard.

I'm fine. Things are looking up job wise. But to recap from March to January, the usual hodge-podge of labeled guys have stayed in the past. I learned A LOT. Having my Dad go through the cancer run definitely gives you a good slap too. Also, Cupid and I got some game plans and we know some signs. We've got some real deal breakers... know when to walk and we know when to run like hell. We've even worked our way up to friendships with a couple of our post blog dates. We've also ended some friendships with others.

So I will share a story that was a sort of sad break-up. This isn't new news but within a few months anyway. I had decided after our last date I was going to stop seeing him. We actually went on about 3 or 4 dates. I tried I really did! In the end I would be told... I never tried. Really?? How do you know?? To get into the story, he wanted me to meet his sisters and brother... after the second date! But I wasn't ready. I told him I wasn't ready. I wasn't even kissing him! We weren't connecting after several dates. You just can't force these things... and he had asked me to dinner again. I knew that this dinner was going to be the "define the relationship" dinner. He really liked me. I knew that. I didn't want to lead him on. I am the kind of girl that does this in person. It's hard, but respectful.

I had not responded to his text that morning. I had made plans to have brunch with one of my guy friends. So before I called him to sit down and talk I figured I would meet with my friend and decide when to plan for the dinner later. Even get a little guy perspective. And would you know it, the guy I was going to break the news to... shows up to the same brunch spot. Yup. Walked in right behind me. I asked if he was meeting someone. He said no. I told him I was meeting someone. He said he wanted to talk about my "distance". And started into all that he wanted to say. I said it wasn't the time... we could get together later... This is all pre-friend arrival. I had already had a couple of conversations with him about not being seriously involved and that I didn't want to get serious. No, I never even let him get past a kiss. None of that matters. Because he went over the fence as soon as he saw my friend walk in. He jumped right on the conclusion board said, "I get it". And left in a huff. Even my friend looked at me like, So... Rebekah, you want to talk about that? Thing is... he didn't get it. And... I didn't call him.

I didn't cheat on him. I didn't take advantage of him. I told him I didn't want a boyfriend. I told him I didn't want to meet his family. He still had the whole thing played out that I was the one. Just like the guy from Halloween. They both had all the expectations that I was this girlfriend of theirs. No matter what my actions were or what my words were.

If you've seen the movie 500 Days of Summer there is this part where they split the screen one side labeled "expectation" the other "reality". I gave them both all the information they needed to be sane. Yet (by the way) neither of them chose not to be sane when it came down to it. No. I am not being holy or anything. I know I've been there done that. But I've perked up and listened for those words, AND picked up on those actions. :) <----- That is me being proud of ME. Because I am aware of my own. I was honest and could walk away knowing I had done and said the right things for me. This also allows a look at the guy across from me and know when to walk away too. Even if he isn't as honest with me as I might be. I'm looking for the little things. It's not scientific. But it allows me a little dignity. Without getting too disappointed. If a guy wants to be with you - he will be with you. More lessons from He's Just Not That Into You... laugh and smile. It's tough sometimes.

Cupid is still perched on my shoulder. He's still a friend, albeit one who needs me more than I need him.
I just haven't been lucky enough to have that person sitting across from me look at me the way I look at them yet. I'm just looking for a little perspective. You do a million random things in each day and meeting that person could be one of them. Or not. What are ya gonna do? Just be yourself right? And that means I put myself out there. And that's just me.

So, in 11 days, I'm still going to be me. And two days later... still the same girl. Probably with a bigger *sigh* and with 38 Valentine's Days behind her.

Where the Wild Things Are

Cupid was on a rampage for St. Patrick’s Day. I don’t know if it’s jealousy or just plain competitive spirit for the holiday season… but he was bad. And I of course got into a little trouble. 24 hours of not so good decision making. Fun? YES. Feeling a tad humiliated… and may even come out of it with a couple of scars. Eh. I am talking the actual physical kind not the emotional type. Let me introduce you to Mr. WildLife.

Enter ‘The Boy’. Waaaay too cute for me and out of my league (just my small opinion) later this will change. I get introduced by a friend. He says we were supposed to meet a few other times. But I stood him up and didn’t show. He actually names two places I did bail on. Huh. (big smile from me) Oh so flirty. It provokes him to say things like – ‘I’ve been waiting for you, I’m so glad you decided to show up’. Yeah, I can’t make that up. And because both Cupid and I are one glass of champagne and two Guiness in… We give each other the nod thinking – WOW… St. Patrick’s day is AWESOME!!

I won’t speak for Mr. WildLife (yet). But I was having a GREAT time. We danced, drank and snogged the night away. Inseparable for 24 whole hours. (ear to ear grin here) He held my hand and kissed my forehead every time he looked at me. (sound familiar?- see Mr. Perfect) He smiled and laughed and dragged me across Denver. I found him infinitely interesting. I don’t think I’ve ever been so interested in listening to someone before. I let him talk about himself all night. And I did mention how adorable he was right? And that he was talking to me. (Sorry, I know you all have your opinions but I am humble about my appearance. And after all the crazies and being dumped about 20 times in the last year. Well, again… humbled. I’m still catching up with hearing that I’m ‘hot’. Especially at my age. And even more so because no one sticks around.) Did I mention he told me I was hot like three times? (stick a fork in me, I’m done like dinner.)

So, let’s just skip to the end. The scars. We kissed so much that his 5 o’clock shadow has left my chin a little raw… I giggle. But now that he’s bailed it just hurts and I’m not amused at my behavior… and I have to model on Thursday!! Damn it Cupid. And we made out everywhere. Even like in high school, when chairs just got too predictable. So there were… on the floor for a bit… so yeah, I’ve got one of those little rug burn spots that you get when you’re 16 on my back. DAMN it Cupid. Again… modeling on Thursday… open back dress. Uh… going to have to do some serious make-up work and a lot of lies to make up about the gym… What was it I used to say to my ballet teacher?

Mr. WildLife made me act like a teenager. It was so much fun!! I honestly thought oh my god this guy has got to be into me!! Sure. What kind of animal am I? The foolish kind. I’m thinking who kisses someone this much if you aren’t into them!!?? Oh, right. If you’ve had a lot of Guiness you’ll kiss someone that much. And if you’re Mr. WildLife. Or if you just feel like snogging every St. Patrick’s day with a random girl. Or maybe if you’re the Wildman you might do this every weekend.

Whatever it is I’m trying not to take the fact that he didn’t want my phone number or to see me again personally. Maybe it’s a St. Patrick’s tradition of his? So the next time you’re checking out animal habitat. In Denver the wild things come out on drinking holidays and prey on girls like me. They live in various parts of the City and dress like hipsters in their vintage green things. They make you feel irresistible until of course they are sober enough to not say anything really except that they need to do their laundry. Wild.

At least these guys stay more or less interesting. Obviously it will depend on your point of view. Since you all read my blog because you’re my friends I hope you can hang with me for a while and ultimately take my point of view which is that this guy is lame 364 days out of the year. Actually NOT out of my league. In fact, in my harsh light of day not worth another 24 hours. (insert smiley face here)

Getting Used To My Box

It’s been a couple of years now that I’ve been checking the box 35-44. And I am getting settled in here. It’s not as bad as it could be… or that I thought it might be. Especially as I creep oh so much closer to the middle range of that box. A little hesitation… no dread. I still love the ‘you’re kidding…’ after I tell people my age. I will always love that… ummmm as long as it keeps happening.

It is on this day, my birthday, that I can’t help to examine the timeline of successes and failures. What should have I accomplished? What do I want to accomplish? You know you beat yourself up a little that your how old?? And what are all your friends doing that are younger and prettier than you doing?? Having babies and married with happiness glowing from every pore. Maybe even launching careers that actually don’t get laid off in 8 to 10 yr. cycles. Ugh. Do I want babies yet? Do I want still want this career? Am I burning out? I’ve felt exhausted sometimes wondering what I could have done. So, I’ve decided not to waste any more time on it. Ever. Why you ask?

Two significant events happened in my life over the past 8 months that are responsible for this non-self loathing. One during June of 2009. And the other just as the year was ending. Both of those events turned what I thought was okay in the world inside out. Then they proceeded to smack me hard taking my breath away so that I would stop right in my tracks. I know it all sounds so dramatic. But it is my nature to assess, solve and move on. (Oh and be somewhat emotional about it, but you all know that.) These events were meant to change me in a big way.

In June of 2009, my Uncle took his own life. The gut retching reality to this fact is that nothing you say is comforting, nothing you do feels like it is enough and no questions can be answered. The tragic and simple acceptance of what has occurred is only that you must not be angry. You must love and understand more deeply than you’ve ever thought possible. My Aunt, then tried to take her life several times in her own grief. I was on the phone for weeks, days then by the hour even up to a few weeks ago while she was in intensive care after over-dosing. I just kept grasping for the words. I never found them. I only found myself sitting in silence on my sofa every night wondering what could possibly happen next.

You should never wonder what could happen next. No good can come of it. While I was trying to keep a cool calm demeanor at work and with friends the next layer was to present itself in a cruel way. In December of 2009, someone I trusted and admired took the all to cliché opportunity to make the move to hit on me during and after our company holiday party. Blaming it all on beer of course. Becoming the worse nightmare I had ever imagined as my personal and now career life both crumble together.

I’m not able to think of myself as well… attractive enough to warrant such advances. Well, it did happen and it made me sick, seriously. That night I actually threw up while retelling the story. I was angry. I was to give up what little I had?? walk out the door and not look back??

Oh hell no. I took the power back. I filed a formal complaint. I left the group he leads and I have my dignity and self intact. I made a clear statement that I do not and will not put up with toxic bullshit. It took me a week to build the courage. It’s taken me two months to feel like I did the right thing. I am the woman who looks him in the eye from time to time to let him know… not me, not ever you disgusting loathsome pig.

I am finally okay to acknowledge that some things are lost. Really lost. You get these huge EXIT signs from the universe and I have in the past ignored them and fought so hard to stay. Eventually I just got kicked out and it hurt so much. But this time… I SEE the exit sign, find the RIGHT way to exit and then proceed to my new destination with self intact. So…I’ve decided no more this is next… but just asking ‘what’s next?. Feeling the freedom to see what comes along. What makes me happy? And then going toward that happiness.

So guess what I figured out?? I am proud to be ME for the first time in my life. I mean REALLY happy for myself! I’ve realized I have dealt with some shit. And I actually sort of well came out… successful. Damn if that mid-west guilt won’t let me be happy for myself sometimes. But I am dusting myself off for the last time and saying it loudly. I DID THIS. I worked hard. I got to this place. And I got knocked down a lot. I got pushed around. I even got canned a couple of times. But I am still here doing what I wanted and hoping still to make a difference and going forward. I even helped on some significant stuff along the way. I am even ready to take credit for some of it! I’ve got some good attributes. I follow through. I’m kind to people. I also smile a lot and give hugs. I say I love you. I return as many calls as I can. I think of everyone often and I miss my friends more than they’ll know. I have a pile of Christmas cards that you’re all still getting when I buy some stamps. Because I mean it. I’m sincere. And I don’t give up easily. (smile)

Oh… and an update.

So my expectations for a Valentine didn’t pan out. Who cares right? Because most importantly my birthday has been awesome! I had an early birthday dinner date that was fun and even got along with all my friends. And today he’s been charming and wonderful and did I tell you he helped me get a Wii for my birthday?? YIPPEE!! He’s even making me dinner tonight. I guess that makes up for the amazing mussels I made him. We make food for each other all the time and I just got pissy because it was Valentine’s Day. Damn I need to get back into some perspective. Things are WAY better than they have been. Why did I pressure that damn day?? Stupid estrogen. Thanks Cupid you’re not so bad after all. (That is when you haven’t been drinking the hard alcohol.)

That V-Day or most appropriately called "Vampire Day"

So since it was Valentine’s Day I thought I should write something up. After all if you’re going to title a blog after such a hideous holiday I suppose one should say something.


Updates

Cupid is still crashing at my place. Eating my food and drinking my wine. He’s gotten really apathetic about finding a job. I left him on the sofa when I went up to Winter Park snowboarding for the weekend. I would have brought him, because he did deserve a little fun during his time off… but I figured he would just get me into trouble. Cupid tends to get overexcited when there is a lot of action going on, especially with all the uber cute snowboarders on the hill for the weekend. Actually, I think I should have brought him.

A few days before I left for the mountains I had a couple emails from the pit of of the eX-files. It wasn’t horrible. Nice notes from the depths of their bleeding hearts wondering why the hell they ever messed up and left such an amazing woman as myself. HA I jest… and cry a little.

No, the eX-file emails were actually more like, Email One from Puppy Love: “Hey, I saw on Linked In that your company got bought… Congratulations, how’s that going for you?” This was obviously a ploy to get in touch AGAIN like he seems to every three to four months. Then apologize for ‘losing touch’ every three to four months. Yes, I responded… eh. Cupid made me. Okay, I just responded because I honestly have nothing better to do. I told The Pup that I was good and that working with 44,000 people has its perks. He wanted to catch up but I told him that I was on my way up the mountain for a few days. He suggested we get together when I got back.

This guy I should actually name Confounded. Mostly because he doesn’t know what he wants. Hmmm. A pattern! UDA may have the market on architectural pattern books. Maybe I have a niche in behavioral patterns of dating men in their thirties?? No. Seriously, I realize that would be a book of mythology and conjecture paramount to the writings of brilliant Greek philosophers. Eh…

Email Two from My Lost Love: “I’m listening to Tangled Up in Blue”. Yes, the song has significant meaning between myself and that guy who brought down the house in the blog titled – Larger than Lifesize. *sigh*. I wish I could stop missing him.

So my weekend was okay. I wasn't expecting miracles. But then again... I was. I didn’t have a Valentine as the one I had hoped might be in a generous mood. Alas, he was not. And made it an extreme point to drill it into me that he had promised a friend who was sad about not having a Valentine that he would be hers for the day and that I should get over it immediately. So that’s that… I'll let you know when I get over it.

Yes, I love punishment so I made him dinner anyway (my delicious mussels... lucky jerk) and then I went home without so much as ‘thanks’. I watched 4 episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer picturing his face on every kill (cause that’s what made me feel better).

Last year, my friend Kelli and I saw Twilight so I think this is a good pattern too. Blood, heartache and soulless creatures. I can handle that so much easier than getting blown off.


Cupid held my hand cause he just knew better.

New Year's Eve - Going It Alone

Happy New Year!

I've been busy huh? Yeah. It's been a shite start to the year. Or is the best start? Predictable anyway. Remember that I had two awesome concert tickets. Well, I thought they were awesome anyway. I couldn't find anyone to go with me. So I went by myself. It was a fun show! I drank a manhattan at midnight... champagne is getting cliche. HA! Even Cupid stayed home. I think he partied too much the night before. Typical.

Any resolutions? No. I wouldn't know what to say. I guess my resolutions are mostly to stay strong. Not let people walk all over me. And stand up for myself more. I'm in the middle of a really difficult situation at work. It isn't going to get any easier so I guess those are the best resolutions I can make right now.

I also have been seeing a lot more of my neighbor. Remember him from post number one? We dated briefly and have remained 'friends'. Yes. those little 'quotes' mean exactly what you think they mean. Cupid likes my neighbor a lot. He thinks there is more potential there than there actually is. But I can't get him to stop shooting him with little darts which keep him attracted to me. Just enough however to keep him from wanting to actually be with me. Which we have discussed ad nauseum. But, while I am not finding a connection with anyone else... it's nice to have someone to watch tv with and make dinner for.

Don't get me wrong... I enjoy him so much. He is a good guy that is no nonsense. However, I think he is still in love with his ex from high school. Because of that, no one has a chance with him. They see each other a lot and are total BFFs. I am an interesting distraction. But that is about it. We talk about three or four times a day... have breakfast, lunch and dinner with one another all weekend long. Go see movies, watch tv and last night even ran into each other at the bar. It was really crazy because my friend was trying to get me out and meet new people. WTF!? right?? I finally go out to meet someone... and he shows up. (See Cupid)

So, Cupid thinks he's important. I don't know what to think. It's 2010. It's got to be a new start that stops my insanity cycle. Cupid... could you be on myside this time? I'll make you dinner tonight?

Nutcracker... Not So 'Sweet'

I agree that the ballet isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. I get it. It’s not the most masculine event that one could attend. However, if you purchase the tickets to make your date happy then well… you should at least try?

I took my husband to the opera once. I took him to see Madam Butterfly. It is one of the most beautiful operas I think you can see for the first time. And I loved it. So I thought maybe?? He appreciates all kinds of music. Eh? The show was in Kalamazoo and I paid top dollar for center first balcony seats. I wanted him to see it from the best seats hoping that he would enjoy it.

As you can guess he was miserable. He was also miserable at movies. Concerts were okay though. We went to quite a few and had a lot fun. I will never forget getting tickets to see one of his favourite bands, Weezer. Jack Black opened and it was hilarious! We also saw Radiohead at a great venue in Wisconsin and stayed all week at the resort. And of course if you haven’t heard the story yet… Thom Yorke was in the pool. We were wading and my friend Becky and I were giddy as school girls.

Anyway… the ballet. So I went with the Costanza. The guy that I was so excited to start dating just a blog ago. He came over, I made him dinner… the horrendous kissing. But I thought maybe he was just nervous. Yikes. Cupid is riding in the back of the truck tonight. I told him to be on his best behavior and NO false moves.

So it begins. He picked me up at my place. We were going to have dinner first. Wonder what he will complain about or point out to me tonight. He didn’t like his jacket and he was cold. He also hates that the parking structures in Denver look like buildings and he can’t figure out where to park. Hmm… bite your tongue Rebekah… Okay, you know I didn't. I polietly mention that it makes the city really nice and that there are clearly marked parking garages everywhere. Like this one... marked PARKING HERE.

We get to the restaurant. He didn’t like the first table – we moved to another. He didn’t eat the appetizer and sent it back. Oh geeze. This guy is setting a precedent I don’t like. He doesn’t seem to find anything he likes. And he can find something wrong with everything. He hated the movie Inglorious Bastards because Brad Pitt was in it. Um... and your shocked at his appearance in this film I ask? Yeah. I am a jerk. He said he hates BP and turned off the movie immediately. And that the writing was bad... and that the story seemed contrived. Wow. fiction is funny like that I say. It's up to you to suspend belief or not... right?? I then launch into a diatribe about the West Wing and the Sopranos. An article that I read in the New Yorker or some magazine that described the writing styles of each show. Yeah. No points for Rebekah. I am a moron.

We were at a restaurant that I had seen the greatest band so I turned the conversation to music and books. He worships Hunter S. Thompson. That is pretty cool. I know of him… get the idea of his favor with writers and journalists. He’s really raw and I haven’t read anything of his all the way through. I would like to, just haven’t yet. So I guess my date thinks I’m really a moron now that I don't hero worship his fav writer. Whatever. I bet he’s never read Kunstler or Krier. Who’s the moron now?? Humph.

Going to the theatre, he didn’t know what theatre we were going to. He also didn’t know where it was, exactly what time the show started or where he should park. Okay. Cupid... stop shrugging your shoulders. You are SO fired. Thank you Blackberry. I had looked up going to the ballet a few weeks earlier when I saw how much the ticket was and decided I couldn’t afford the extravagance on my own. So I knew the theatre and where to park. He’s good at complaining like a little B...oy, but not so good at solving things. I can’t believe how unprepared he is. Isn’t this a date?? Cupid, stay in the car.

We get inside, get the tickets after wandering around for the Will Call… and get a drink. We have an hour before the show starts. Yeah. So we get upstairs to the balcony and chat for a while about ballet, anorexia and his nutritional diet schedule. And why it is, in his mind, silly to be vegetarian. For someone who thinks he knows everything – he is clueless. I switch subjects to traveling. He hasn’t been anywhere and I think the Notre Dame school experience is freaking him out. Jeeze… I didn’t go to school to piss you off dude. WTH?? My story started with the traveling I did at Andrews University and I told him that I was married… and divorced 4 years ago. I asked him if he’d ever been married or in a relationship that he thought he might get engaged. He said there was one girl. His last girlfriend of 6 years. He described her as a psychotic alcoholic. You all know how I feel about the bashing. I simply replied,”hmmm”.

“And she was a blonde.” He said to conclude.

“What does that mean?” I replied.

“You know. She was a blonde and therefore all stereotypes apply.” He said.

“I’m a blonde.” I said looking at him with a look of F-you on my face. “I’m 50% Swedish.”

“Oh.” he replied. A bit of shock in his voice as if hair color weren’t invented in his world.

“Artificial intelligence?” I prodded. Now I am just being a bit of a bitch. But I don't like where his bull is leading. What a jerk. I'm over it. I'm at the ballet and I'm going to enjoy my time here.

Subject terminated, so I thought. He then began to explain that he stayed with her because of a series of erotic dreams that he had about her. He got a bit graphic and I got a bit sick. Who knew there would be so much word vomit at the ballet! He just puked up their whole ridiculous relationship onto the table and I just stood there staring at him like SHUT UP!! Am I still at the ballet?? OMG. I had better see some sugarplum faries soon or I am going to run out of here and walk home.

Are all these guys just F-ing clueless?? This is never going to make up for being a rotten kisser or a rotten individual. Yuck. Ick. Gross. I’m going to barf.

We watched the ballet. He was miserable. I was as happy as ever as I was transported away from all of the disgusting conversation into the world of Clara. Oh well, I got to go to the ballet. Company aside, I had a nice time by myself and watching some beautiful dancers. Thank goodness he never even tried to hold my hand, put his arm around me or kiss me again. He dropped me off at home and mentioned he would call me to go see Avatar. Cupid and I walked inside. I sent him to bed with a cup of warm milk and told him we would try again later. He obviously needed his rest.

No, he never called. WHEW...

Episode Two: How Are My Tonsils?

I got home from Michigan and immediately made plans to see George again. I was going to make him dinner. My first date dinner is this amazingly simple Roman dish from gorgeous Giadia. I serve it over polenta… yum! He is bringing the movie Brain Candy. It was a Kids in the Hall movie from the 90s which he was quoting a few times during our last date.

He came over around 7 and I had dinner finished. We popped in the movie and ate at the sofa. He brought wine and a chocolate bar too. Nice!

Dinner was great and he really liked it. He was pretty impressed… which is why I love this recipe! It is so NOT complicated and yet has great flavors. I will post it at the bottom of this date blog so that you can also woo a potential love through gastronomy.

I cleaned up the dishes and he put his arm around me while we finished watching the movie. He also kissed me on the forehead at least 15 times! He was holding my hand too! Wow. I think he likes me. The movie ends I am going to get a kiss. I am really looking forward to this!

WHAAAT WAS THAT!?!?!?

Did he just lick my chin?? Gross! Are we making a porno??... is that your whole tongue?? I can’t make this up!! That was the WORSE kiss I’ve had since high school!! Gross!! I quickly back off and start a conversation about the horrid movie we just watched. OMG. I don't want to kiss him again. OMG he is leaning in. OMG that was TERRIBLE!!Buzz kill. And now my face just got a disgusting kiss from a Labrador. UGH!! GET OUT. And Cupid... you can get the hell out too.

Maybe he’s nervous? Maybe he’s just excited? Maybe he just sucks at kissing?!? Kissing is my favourite thing to do! Why Lord why??

He says he wants to take me to the ballet really badly. I said okay. I am NOT giving up. I like him. I think I like him? I think I want to give it another shot. Damn you Cupid... I don’t have a lot of prospects but I am not about to deal with a bad kisser. That is a deal breaker. Cupid get your shite together!!

Giadia’s Roman Chicken Recipe - You can make this is a big skillet, be sure you have a cover for it.

2 Chicken Breasts + 2 Chicken Thighs, 1 can of diced tomatoes, 4oz. of Prosciutto, 2 cloves of diced garlic, ½ red bell pepper, ½ yellow bell pepper, ½ cup of white wine, ½ cup of chicken broth.

Brown the chicken in a bit of olive oil then set aside. Add a touch more oil to the pan add garlic, peppers and prosciutto. Sauté the peppers and prosciutto until just a little brown. Add tomatoes, wine and broth. Bring to a slight boil and add the chicken. Cover and cook until chicken is done. About 30 min. I serve it over polenta. You could serve it with pasta too. It’s delicious. Maybe you should find out if they can kiss first!!

My date with George

Star Date December Seven Two Thousand and Nine.


HA. Just kidding. But that would be funny if I dated a Star Trek nerd. I've already dated a Dungeons & Dragons dork. I'm sure that I am on track for one just around the corner. As long as he loves Battlestar Galatica... the original. And Buck Rodgers and V and Buffy and True Blood would also be acceptable. Harry Potter is mandatory. Okay... not mandatory but on the list?

So. I had a date on the 6th and then I went on vacation so I didn’t write. Sorry (with a Canadian accent) so it sounds like ‘sau-wrey’. Trust me you’d just think it’s adorable and forgive me immediately.

My date was with George Costanza (not in looks… just listen and I’ll tell ya in a minute). He introduced himself to me pretty much like this. “Hey Rebekah – Right? Uh. I am not usually this unkept, I just went to the gym, I’ve gained some weight, but I am working on that with nutrition and working out like crazy. When I take my hat off… you’re going to notice I’m losing a little hair too. Dang. I’m sorry, am I late too?”

I had some drinks with friends while I was at home and Mike reminded me of the episode of Seinfeld when George decided to do the opposite of everything he had ever thought was ‘right’. He introduced himself to a woman at the restaurant - "Hi, I'm George. I'm unemployed, balding and I live with my parents. Would you like to go out with me?"  I think that was my date’s approach. He just laid it all out on the table and there it was. I just stared sort of blankly. Nothing is shocking anymore. Pity huh?

So we ordered a coffee and a banana crème crepe. Yum. The conversation got much better. And I forgot to tell you… he is kinda cute. Not in the conventional way. Yeah, he’s missing some hair, I don’t care about that. He’s also a little ‘soft’. I don’t care about that either. He has a nice smile. Pretty blue eyes. And he is talking to me about the autistic kids that he tutors for his job. He is really passionate about what he does. He spends a lot of extra time learning how to ‘solve’ each student. He works hard to not only teach them the basic reading, writing and maths… but he also chooses the individual student’s favourite subject or interests and then takes them to the museum, zoo, library or where ever it might be that engages that child. Wow.

This guy has something I haven’t seen in a long time. Yeah, I like to poke fun. But he really is interesting to me. I like him. We’re going out again when I get home. I guess he liked me too. (Smile)

Breathing easier.... with a paper bag.

One one thousand, Two one thousand, Three one thousand... Breathe In... Breathe out. Slowly... Slowly...

Now that I have taken all the pressure off of myself to date 'someone special', I slept easier. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. It felt good to be single ALL DAY. Now I can start focusing on the rest of my absolutely insane life. And focus on the breaths. Don't panic. Everything is actually going to be just fine. Cause I got a plan for whatever is gonna come my way.

Here is the thing. When work was going somewhat well, when we were busy and grabbing a few jobs here and there, I was ready to get that happy part of my dating life in order. I started this blog, I signed up on the sites. Happy Happy. The thing is, the work life has gone absolutely topsy-turvy. Yup. Our firm is in negotiations and will likely be 'assimilated' by one said mega-beasty-corporate-firm within a few weeks. I am mourning the loss of the boutique design firm that was once my career path. Deep Breath. Smile.

I have weighed all the good options too. We will have awesome resources and the chance to do work all over the country... perhaps world. That's nice. Only things aren't quite settled and a lot of my friends are thinking of what to do. So it is sad too. I am worried about my friends who are losing their jobs, getting moved to other firms and most importantly what happens to my mentors. The coolest part of my firm was my whole team, not just my colleagues in Denver. But at the other offices too. They are so talented and just inspire you to pull out all the stops. 

Okay... I will stop waxing poetic about my work. But it affects things. When one part of your life is good, it is guaranteed that another part will upend itself. So maybe if work is crazy I will just meet someone out of the blue? Ha Ha... see kids... still the hopeful romantic! Besides I have a few good guy friends that are cool enough to hang out with and watch football games. They just need to pony up their cute single friends. Again... sense of humor still intact!

Oh anyway. I promise this blog will stay interesting. I actually have a phone number burning a hole through my purse right now. It scares me because it is a set up. I'm overwhelmed with the expectations of it. So I haven't called him yet. But I will. Tomorrow. Uh huh. That is what I said on Sunday. And Monday. And Tuesday I say... I will call him tomorrow. No worries... still breathing... with a paper bag.

Sex and the Single Girl

My 80 something year old grandparents loved Sex in the City. Except you have to know my grandmother, she renames everything to fit into her own world. She called the show 'Sex and the Single Girl'. She and my grandfather would ask me if I had a bunch of girlfriends that talked about sex, ran around our big town of Kalamazoo and slept with random guys trying to find love. I told them if there were really sexy guys worthy of that here... we might consider it. But, since most of my friends are married and now on their second or third child. No chance. In fact I have just three single friends. And I don't live near any of them.

It feels cold and lonely in Denver without my girl pack near by to pick up my spirts now and then. Or to even go see chick-flicks with. I went and saw New Moon by myself yesterday. And the movie was exactly as promised... a tribute to the god-likeness of Robert Pattison (pitter patter). The worst part were the previews! Three of the sappiest, most horrible trailers that a single girl could see by herself. One called Letters to Juliet almost made me leave the theatre... in tears of course.

Is there anything out there in this world to make a single girl feel good about being single? Not that I can find. Even buying shoes doesn't seem to fix the problem. Mostly because I think that I will wear them for my boyfriend or to seduce some guy with sexy 6" heels. Nope. Not working right now. Because there is sure is a lot of shit that makes me feel like a complete failure that I can't wear these shoes for ME.

But that's all I've got. I've got ME. I can make myself feel good about being single. It's just going to take some time. It's just that it feels like this is a long climb up a long and winding hill to convince myself that I can hold out. That I can have high expectations and that I can just keep fucking smiling through it all too. All this dating has left me a bit harried and feeling empty. I needed to do it or else I wouldn't know how I would have reacted. At least I really know what I can handle. I am a one at a time gal. That I know.

I am off all the dating sites. I let my eharmony subscription expire. I have resolved that I really can't find a guy the same way I buy shoes... online. These guys just don't fit right and when you have to send them back the price is really high. You feel so rejected, even when you're the one saying no. It is much worse than if you just met the guy in a bar. If the conversation isn't nice, you just walk away and he turns to the next girl. In fact, at least when I meet a guy in a bar he is usually with his buddies, having a good time and happy to be out looking for someone. These guys I meet online are just cycling through to see if the shoe fits. Only most of them are even willing to put on the wrong size just to date someone.

I am not willing to date just anyone I guess. So I am out in the world just waiting to see if I will run into Mr. Special-for-me at the grocery or the dry cleaners... Maybe even a bar. I've got an amazing concert ticket to a show for New Year's Eve. I don't want to go alone. And like I said... all my single girlfriends aren't here to take my plus one offer. But hey... I'm seeing movies alone now. I guess a concert on NYE isn't so bad. Maybe there are single guys there too?

Larger than lifesize

A friend of mine was telling me about his little sister. She is 20 and has fallen head over heels in love. She definitely wants to marry her boyfriend. They've been dating for a year and she is sure he is the one. He of course said,"Can  you believe it?, I mean she is so young?" I paused. Then said,"Oh, because at 36 we have it all figured out?"

What do I know. I know that my big brother was married at 21 and was married for 21 years until my sister-in-law passed away from cancer. I also know he is remarried and so incredibly happy he will never be divorced. My little brother was married at 20 and is going on his 15th wedding anniversary. My great-grandparents were married at 18 and were together over 60 years when my great-grandfather passed. My grandparents were married at 18 and made it to 60 years until my grandfather passed away. I even know that my parents were married at 18 and that marriage lasted through 4 kids and 17 years. My friend Andy married at 21 still going strong after 10 years. I know that I was married at 28 and it lasted 2 years. I know that my sister was married at 29 and that lasted one year. I know that two of the guys I have dated were married at 29 and 30. Their marriages each lasted about 2 years.

From my small bit of collected real Rebekah research and experience, obviously observed and scientific.Not the wisdom from "THEY" or what "THEY" say. Just a little huh... I wonder, tells me that the younger marriages seem to last longer. What is it? I have a couple ideas of course. One being that as we get older we don't figure out what we want, we just get pickier. Yeah. I said it. We are picky and set in our ways and aren't really comfortable letting anyone getting to know us. Not all of us anyway. We still share the music and movies. Cause that part is cool.

When I was 20 all I needed was a few tatoos, possibly a piercing and a black t-shirt to make me swoon. He had to know his music, movies and pop-culture. If he had read Kerouac I was in love. If his favourite movie was anything sci-fi I was in lust. If he painted or god forbid... a musician you need to give me oxygen I was going to hyperventillate from the lack of oxygen in my 7th heaven. Bring me flowers, a bottle of wine or make me dinner and I would have floated to the ceiling. Damn it was so easy for me to be happy and I look back on it now and it was so simple! A little attention went a long way. Now I am supposed to size everyone up by school, salary, car and genetics. Anything you can think of except a spontaneous night of watching traffic and then staying up until 4am making out to another movie on his sofa. Because you can't do that anymore. He leaves and has to be to work early to have an 8am meeting proposal due. AAAAAHHHHH!!!!

When I was 20 I was in love. He did everything he could to make happy he could make me. And I did the same. It was really great. Why didn't we get married? Why didn't we stay together? "THEY" told me that there are so many other things to do before you 'tie yourself down' 'lose it all' 'ruin your life' 'you have so much going for you why put roots down now?' 'There are so many fish in the sea' and my all time favourite,'you are just so young, how do you know you're in love?' You can't possibly know what love is.

Turns out, I'm 36. And I knew what love was when I was 20. Life is funny like that. I miss him so much.

We still think about each other. We still wonder what would have been. But now we are pushing 40 and have made decisions that we are supposed to make because they are now logical and won't upset anyone. I don't believe these decisions are anymore logical than when we were 20. What do we know now that we didn't know when we were 20? We know that we finished school, have successful careers and have experinces under our belts. We have all the travel, toys and houses that people our age accumulate when kids aren't involved. We also have 15 extra years of baggage to bring into a relationship. 15 years of living and dating several people and comparing them to the person that we fell in love with 15 years ago. The one we were too young to be with. The person we wished maybe would have been there through 15 years of growing up. Growing up together. Life is funny like that.

I know. I sound jaded. It's because I am. It hurts a lot. I'm trying to move on. I just want my life to be that movie with Nicholas Cage and Tea Leone... I can't think of the name. But he gets to see his if he would have married Tea and had kids. He sees at first glance that he wouldn't have made it to wall street. But he has this great family and house and life is good. Then he realizes it wasn't that wall street wasn't his whole dream. It was just part of it. Having kids and being with this girl were more important.

I'm on wall street and I don't have the luxury of going back. I realize I can only go forward in some other way and I'm greiving for that. I wanted to see my life with those kids and that big fluffy dog. I miss it and I didn't know how much I would. I knew exactly what I wanted when I was 20. Now... I have no F-ing clue.

All for love we become

Larger than lifesize, wondersome

Great in the eyes of someone

Larger than lifesize we become

Great in the eyes of someone

(A Fine Frenzy - Lifesize)

What does it take?

I had a date yesterday with a new guy. His name is Normal. He is a nice normal guy! I can tell you that I might have said this at one time or another about each guy that I have encountered thus far. But since I have written in the past tense I have been able to give them a nice look over under the bright lights and dissect their behavior and give them funny clever names. It's exhausting.

We met for lunch on Saturday and I had to blab and blab to get him to talk about himself. That was okay. I am sort of good at making people feel comfortable. We talked about all kinds of music, movies and even the ex's. His ex lives in the state of Colorado and has custody of their eleven yr old son. This is the first time I have dated someone with children. It's nice that he is older. I feel more comfortable, but not 100% at ease yet. But that is what getting to know someone is all about.

I had a nice time. It was really a good open and conversational afternoon. He is a happy guy, passionate about computers and likes his job. He is 6'5" which I can't help... I like a lot! But as we talked... Well, I am worried he is a bit of a shut in. Yes, he would probably entertain me for bit, going out and road trips. But eventually it goes. If you are a homebody that is what you are. That's okay... but that's not me. He also has lived in Colorado his whole life and he isn't much for travel. He also doesn't ski or snowboard. He does say he wants to learn. He also doesn't watch football... hence scheduling a date during the ND v. Pitt game. In my pursuit of a heart to share, I've sadly missed THREE games. *sigh*

Sparks was a Notre Dame alum. He knew I was going to be late for our first date. The game went into overtime! I am sad about it, but that is the kind of man I need right now. The kind that wants to plan tiips to New Zealand or Argentina, watches a good amount of football, loves the snow almost more than he will love me (because I will also be putting him in a nice close tie with snow), passionate, true, great smile, kind, thoughtful and hopefully crazy for Harry Potter and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. But I will take one or the other. It's so difficult.

I am going to see Normal again to see what might be. I'm not that encouraged. I'm getting a little grumpy.. And I've emailed about 5 other potential dates just for practice. I don't even know if I am looking for a guy or something to write about these days. It's become more of a hobby now and less of an actual pursuit. I am not looking to get married. Am I? I am not looking for anything really attainable, am I? I guess that is how it feels after you have hit a few brick walls. While there are my girlfriends who are both interviewing for jobs and love...  hitting walls on all sides. My heart aches. I know I am lucky to be in Denver. I am so happy here with my job, good friends and my quality of life is ten-fold. I just know there is a missing place next to me on my sofa right now. Someone I would really like to share my happiness with. What does it take?

Be My Weaver

I cannot believe I forgot this all too interesting detail about my date with Prada!

So we are walking around the museum and we see some weavings and textiles. And I comment how my friend Lindsay is a master at knitting. I barely crochet. I will be a terrible grandma. No afghans.

He says,"You know that hat that was in my car, I wove that."
She says,"Really. Wow. So you knit? Wait, you wove it?"
He says,"Yeah, I have a loom and I just got it out and made a hat the other day."
She says,"HA. that is quite a talent."

Did I tell you that I have some inkling that Prada is not really into girls? I think it is really hard for him to be himself, because the conversations we've had about his family have me believing that they would not be happy if he were gay. This makes me so sad... Because he is a wonderful guy. He is just a fish out of water when he is with me. I am not just saying that because he wove a hat either. Although, I don't think any of the other guys I have gone out with would even know what to do with a ball of yarn. Maybe if they were on survivor they would fish with it or something.

Anyway... I was giggling about this last night because it was so absolutely endearing.

Musings on Love

Because when you're not in love or in a relationship. All you can think about is being in love and being in a relationship. Pardoxically, I typically find myself on the edges of a relationships that I don't want to be in. Then go on complaining about the lack of relationships in my life. Because like with everything else in my life I am cursed with the need for perfection. He's out there. Mr. Perfect. Perfect for me that is. No worries... I like lots of flaws and silly behavior. And dorkiness most of all. It's just that the type A personalities that I love don't always come in that package. They tend to be a little more refined to being as silly as I am. Eh.

For the musing... I recently watched Sleepless in Seattle for the millionth time. This time I completely realized why I will sit and actually watch it all the way through. And be upset if I don't catch it from the beginning. When will a man love me this much?

Doctor Marcia Fieldstone: People who truly loved once are far more likely to love again. Sam, do you think there's someone out there you could love as much as your wife?



Sam Baldwin: Well, Dr. Marcia Fieldstone, that's hard to imagine.


Doctor Marcia Fieldstone: What are you going to do?


Sam Baldwin: Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breath in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breath in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while.

And the next line, when Annie and Becky are watching 'An Affair to Remember' sums up why it is so pathetic that I love this movie... Because I identify hands down with Annie.

Annie Reed: Now that was when people KNEW how to be in love. They knew it! Time, distance... nothing could separate them because they knew. It was right. It was real. It was...


Becky: A movie! That's your problem! You don't want to be in love. You want to be in love in a movie.

AND why I feel like I need to stop watching movies for romantic inspiration. Hear that... inspiration. As if I could find someone who is really like that. Remember when I told you I was not the Bridget Jones kind of girl. No, I immediately could tell you I was Amelie. Because she's right, maybe I don't want to be in love. I want to be in a movie. Amelie is perfectly mysterious and not even a bit overbearing. She is also scared to death to let herself go. Bridget is a mess and lovely. She just let's herself go and screw you if you can't deal with it. Not to mention she has the best group of friends giving her the worst advice. It's awesome. I wish I could be a little of Bridget mixed with Amelie. I guess then you get Annie. The Annie from Sleepless in Seattle.

Okay. I have a stock of movies that I watch for different inspiration. This is how it is:

When a guy dumps me I watch Legally Blonde for this line, "If you let one stupid prick ruin your life, you aren't the girl I thought you were."

Under the Tuscan Sun for the days that my past is bothering me for this line, "Do you know the most surprising thing about divorce? It doesn't actually kill you. Like a bullet to the heart or a head-on car wreck. It should. When someone you've promised to cherish till death do you part says "I never loved you," it should kill you instantly. You shouldn't have to wake up day after day after that, trying to understand how in the world you didn't know. The light just never went on, you know. I must have known, of course, but I was too scared to see the truth. Then fear just makes you so stupid. " And you go on and you don't die and things get so much better!

And then this line comes in, "Signora, between Austria and Italy, there is a section of the Alps called the Semmering. It is an impossibly steep, very high part of the mountains. They built a train track over these Alps to connect Vienna and Venice. They built these tracks even before there was a train in existence that could make the trip. They built it because they knew some day, the train would come."

Amelie I watch for everything. The whole experience. And especially, "Amélie still seeks solitude. She amuses herself with silly questions about the world below, such as "How many people are having an orgasm right now?" "Fifteen."



Love Actually for this line, "But for now, let me say - Without hope or agenda - Just because it's Christmas - And at Christmas you tell the truth - To me, you are perfect - And my wasted heart will love you - Until you look like this." (When he is giving her the flash cards) Yes, it's horrible and sad and completely wrong. But you can see how much he loves her. Unrequited love is soooo hard. Which is also why I am adicted to "The Holiday".

Yeah. Damn it!! The Holiday!! I couldn't be more angry with myself. But Kate Winslet is giving me a huge big sister push to get what I want. Everytime I see her move on, I move on!

Okay. That's enough for now. I feel exposed. Love you guys like a fat kid loves cake :)

 

Shooting for the Stars

Saturday we (me and Prada) cruised two museums a length. The Museum of Contemporary Art and the Kirkland which blew me away! The MoCA was good. Better than I expected. The Kirkland was so amazing. It is in the house of a former University of Colorado art professor. He has many of his paintings displayed and he collected from the most amazing craftsman and artists of his time. The collection of chairs was right out of Vitra! When I laid eyes on the 'Marshmallow' sofa... I was in love. I didn't get to really check out the amazing pottery collection - Prada is a painter and could have cared less.

Yes. I love museums. Okay the date went down hill for me after we had an 'agree to disagree' discussion regarding art and getting a degree in art. Of course you can tell me that I am not the open minded one and he is... But here was the discussion.

He believes that art is a continuous line. That it shouldn't and doesn't repeat itself. (A million holes right??) Okay I let him go on. (context: we are sitting in front of a red splash painted canvas reminiscent of the scene in The Shining). Furthermore, you shouldn't study or dwell on things like Impressionism (which is the style I told him I loved) because it is over and it has reached it's peak of development so there isn't any value in revisiting it. In art school he believes you should be able to splash paint on canvas, burn it etc do whatever you need to do to a canvas to innovate and create.

Are you kidding me? My end of this discussion was like this.

I do not find value in splashing paint or burning canvas that hasn't come from somewhere deeper. If you want to splash paint I hope in your past you have been able to sketch like Da Vinci. I think that art education similar to my education in architecture should give you all of the tools of the masters of that craft. How can you begin to innovate if you don't even know where you are innovating from? I don't believe that art should be created in a vaccuum of intellect. I also said that if you want to paint like an impressionist for the rest of your life... more power to you. He believes this is a ridiculous waste of time. That art is not like fashion and does not move in a circular motion. You would think he had never been to a museum or studied art.

I don't know. I just know we aren't that into each other and we are better off friends.

I hope to have a date with a guy this week... He is 6'5"!! So I am shooting for the stars. He mentioned that one of the most private things he is willing to admit was that he put his chocolate in peanut butter. Seriously a dork... I love him already! I think he gets me.

Short Comings

I promise to become timely with blog and date. Next time.

Last week Tuesday when we were having a bit of weather here in Denver. I walked a mile, mile and a quarter up the street to Uptown to meet  my new Ok Cupid date, his code name is Prada Loafers. We had been trying to meet up for about two weeks and had actually talked on the phone, exchanged texts and emails trying to find a time when our schedules weren't busting full.

It was raining and a bit chilly. But I was excited to meet this guy. We had a lot to talk about... and he had just told me that he went to an oil painting seminar at the art store. He paints!? Okay. I can't wait to meet this guy. He has also worked on and off in the architecture world and is going to grad school to get his degree in economics. Thinking he might like to work with developers and something in the realm of urban infill. Sounds too good to be true. If I were making a list of 'Gee... if I could make a guy up on paper wouldn't these be some nice to haves...' some of these qualities would definitely make it on an extended second page.

I'm not a tall girl. 5'5" is really average. I also don't wear heels that often anymore. Since my foot surgery still gets my foot swelling up from time to time. You see where this is going? I looked at all his pictures... adorable. Read his funny little stories... hilarious! I didn't look at his height. Does this really matter? No. It doesn't. In fact I've dated a couple guys my height. But, if I could make up that guy on paper... he would probably be 6'2" or taller. I do love being small. So, he is also 5'5". Minus 1" or 2"... cause guys lie about height. Girls lie about weight. And age. Sure, I will stop making stereotypical statements when they aren't true.

Prada is short and I am not going to worry about this. We have so much to talk about and he is really cute. That totally makes up for the shortness. He is also a super nice guy and treating this like a real date. He gets me a drink and the conversation begins with a question. "Where are you from in Michigan?" I pulled out my map. My right hand. He about lost it laughing. Apparently his sister warned him this would happen and that is WHY he asked me the question. I was totally set up. It was the best ice breaker ever!! We had such a good laugh.

As the night went on we had dinner and I just felt like I was out with one of my old friends. Hmmmm... I guess I shouldn't really feel that way. I should be trying to hold myself back from bad decisions and making out with him right? Nope. Just wasn't one of those dates. But I had a really good time and we are going to the museum tomorrow to look at paintings.

Fall Behind

Okay. I promise these will get shorter... after this one. And this one is a RANT.

Last post from the past... Because if I don't tell you about Serenity it just wouldn't be right. In fact, he is sort of the reason I felt I needed this blog. I met Serenity the Tuesday night that Sparks found out that he was laid off. Serenity and I met up at a wine bar neither of us had been to. He was cute and we had a lot in common from our little email conversations. He just finished culinary school about a year ago and had spent some time in France. I was really excited to talk to him about this as you all know I am a bit of a foodie.

He picked the first glass of wine. A sparkling white from France. I picked the second my favourite smokey carmenere from Chile. Of course he was impressed. (laugh out loud here) I played the 'whoa, I didn't remember it being THAT good card.' Yeah, yeah I know... anyway... we ended up ordering a little food. We are going on a few good hours of conversation now. He was married, in the service, lived over seas, divorced after 3 years. She was a bit of a monster... FLAG.

Okay. Here's the rule. Yes, we are divorced. Things didn't work out. But just like getting fired from a job. No bashing of the spouses. For me this is a golden rule. It's bad karma and it's completely unnecessary. There are a million reasons people split up. But you are split up. No need to revisit the who did what to whom. Yuck, move on. And even if she wasn't a stellar mate, did you want to tell me all of this over our first date? Oops... not a date. Just a meet up. We split the bill.

We part ways and agree to see one another again. I am blowing this spouse thing off a bit and chalking it up to nervous chatter. Sunday we are going to have brunch.

He picks me up on Sunday and we go to this absolutely fantastic brunch joint. So delicious and they give you a pot of french press coffee. I love it already. This time conversation is much more smooth. But I am a little bugged that we haven't 'sparked' like I did with my first guy. Serenity and I have just as much to talk about. He's attractive to me. But damn if there isn't something bugging me. We talk about our travels and experiences. Where we grew up and our families. He tells me that he does yoga and meditation. Also Tai Chi. Hmmmm... interesting. What was it my friend Emily said about people that are really obsessive about this stuff? We had a really nice date. Oops... not a date. Just a meet up. We split the bill. Hmmmm... is he not really into me?

That week we talk a few times casually on email... how's your day? yada, yada. But he adds that he wants to make me dinner. Now this is nice. Since I told him about living with my friend Vanesh and her family in Winchester, UK he wants to make me an Indian curry. Well, I didn't tell him but he was taking a huge leap of faith here even thinking he could make me curry to top Vaneshrie's. But, what the hell, let him try. I am sure it will be good anyway. I agree to bring the bread.

Dinner was... a recipe. I know, I know... that sounds so harsh. The company was good. The desert was good. Dinner was good! I am not trying to put anyone down here. But when you cook for someone the first time, I don't care if an omelete is the best thing you make, THAT is what you cook. He followed the recipe to perfection. It wasn't anything I would ask for again. I am a nice girl and I faked an appetite for his cooking. With all the mmmm's and oooohhh's and even and oh my god! This is so good. Yeah... never thought I would have to do that.

Serenity doesn't live far from me, but it was late so he drove me home. He also brews this crazy vinegar tasting Japanese tea called Kombucha that is suppose to boost your immune system. I agree to have a cup. It is slow going down but isn't awful. And I really don't want to get sick so I will try anything. I take the tea cup in the car with me and he drops me off. He also gives me a hug then leans around and plants a kiss on me. ARRGH. I pull away and say how I am totally full of germs and he shouldn't be doing that. He's just smiling like he did something bad and he LIKES it. Oh no. I don't even know if I WANT to kiss this guy. I am not feeling 'sparks' or anything yet. He's nice... but I am still getting a weird vibe.

After this date I do get a little sick. Not horrible, but not great. I seem to be standing on the edge of the flu knife. Achy, headache, sore throat and yet nothing progressing into the shadowy depths of what I know the flu is capable of. I am still able to function and wake up each day. But I tell Serenity I am sick while I work out a way to back this truck up and think about how I really feel.But I know I am not that into him. I know this because of my reaction to Sparks. I also know he is a nice guy with a good job and cute apartment and that he likes me and wants to cook me lots of dinners. That is nice and I shouldn't just push that aside. Sometimes it takes a little wooing and seduction to get some sparks going. However, we have some flags... he has a funny little way of cutting on people in a seemingly 'nice' way. His sarcastic humor is borderline mean and he said some nasty things about his ex. Also, the dinner was our 'first date' and he really isn't doing any wooing at all... Even my ex-husband sent me flowers after our first date. That was awesome. :)

This Chapter is called... 'Do you know what an analogy is?'

We have a little phone tag for a bit, email and text while I am sick. Then he sends me THE email. Paraphrased, "... are we going to see each other again or not?"  But, he also includes a story...

"I also have a little story for you. :-) When I was about twenty and in Japan, I had a girlfriend that gave me this great smelling French cologne that was called, "Indifference". Birthday, Christmas, White Day (in Japan, Valentine's is unidirectional so there are two holidays, one for each sex to present to the other)... who knows, but I really loved this cologne because not only did it smell fantastic but I really dug the name and all that it implied; namely an aloofness/derision from/towards the opposite sex that fit, oh so well, the macho image that young men are expected to express instead of just saying , "Hey, I like you." That was all well and good back then, but... ;-) what I am feeling from you right now is also indifference; whether it be, indifference to me, indifference to dating, or indifference to trying to date me. I can't really say with any certainty."

Huh. That's funny, I don't remember Serenity asking me to make plans in any of our other emails or voice mails. In fact, one voice mail I got sounded so short and well, honestly so snippity I didn't want to call him back. I definitely don't remember him asking me out after he dropped me off from the dinner date either. He just sort of jumps to what is going on and you're being indifferent. It's been 7 days since our dinner date. Then he says you've been sick but that can't account for everything.

Whoa. What the? Flags anyone? anyone?

I responded with a bit of a shy email. I explained how I wanted to take things really slow. I wanted to get to know him better. And I also gave him a 'story'. Apparently, that story is served with a can of worms that I won't know have opened, squirmed everywhere and infested the whole situation. By the way... emails SUCK when you don't know the other person! Just so we're clear.

I made my email and responses pink because it's cute.

Heres my little story: There was this episode of Sex In The City when Carrie begins hanging out with Aiden who she really likes. They start dating and after two dates she is wondering why he hasn't tried to sleep with her. They go on about 4 more dates and she is going crazy thinking there is something wrong with her. Finally she breaks and asks him why she isn't attractive to him or why he isn't into her. He explains that he wants to get to know her and take it slow so when things really click between them it will mean something to both of them. But they need to take the time to get know each other to realize if that can even happen. To sum up, I'm Aiden not Carrie. I'm slow. I need to take a lot of time thinking about how things can really happen. And if they should. I'm sorry I didn't say something the second that you kissed me. I should have told you that I wasn't ready for that yet.

 I wasn't ready because I didn't know how I felt about Serentiy yet. Here is how he got the nickname Serenity. This is it Matty... this is the angry letter. Yes, I still read it to see if it was real sometimes. Join me in my fun. When I sent this to Emily I said," We aren't even dating yet and I am exhausted." I am just going to post the whole thing. Again, my story was an ANALOGY.

Sex and the City was a good show that I did find very entertaining but at the same time I always felt very sorry for the guys that would end up dating the girls that grew up watching that show in their formative years. I thought that the girls taken as individuals were absolutely insane, schizophrenic, and dysfunctional in a way but if you took all of their qualities and considered them as a whole that, collectively, they made one hell of a woman. Never thought about this before but maybe the same could be said for all their major paramours? Hmmm...

(DANG, he feels sorry for the guys I date. And since I took the road to identify myself with a male character on the show, IN MY ANALOGY. Hang on, did he just call me 'absoultely insane, schizophrenic and dysfunctional? I don't think we are dealing with my definition of analogy anymore.)

 I did join Eharmony to find a girlfriend. Does it have to happen in a few dates or even weeks? Absolutely not. Consequently, the dating multiple people bothers me too; not that I am a jealous person at all. I know it happens in the normal course of meeting new potential partners and overlap occurs but as an intention from the start I am not okay with that. Been there, done that, over it. So, call me old-fashioned in that respect. If exclusivity, providing of course things go really well, in the near future is not up for consideration for you then please let me know now.

 (Basically, the been there done that line is so done we need a new word for done. Here is where the exhaustion really hits you in the face.)

So, what is my short response to a long explanation? I am not completely sure. It is partly up to you still. My first instinct was to say thanks and maybe if our situations change, then we can give each other a call in the future. I am glad I did not meet you six months or even six weeks ago because I would have most definitely thought, "I don't need this. I am outta here!" And for that I have to thank the collected wisdom of Taijiquan for having more applications than just in the martial realm. I just started rereading a Tai Chi book and one of the first pages discussed the concept of luo, which is to roll back from an attack (not just physical) and neither retreat nor resist it but to relax and accept it with total awareness and I think this is a situation in which that concept is pertinent for me.

(Still up to me? Are you kidding? Dude. You haven't even asked me out again!! And I wouldn't say yes after you badgered me to death with all of this. Thank who's ever God you want that you have that Tai Chi book to recoil from my attack. My attack? Sweet. At least he can relax and accept this with total awareness. I can finally sleep tonight.)

Also,the fact that you were freaked out enough by a "peck" that you didn't know how to discuss it with me and ended up losing sleep over it (I don't buy your kombucha/caffeine theory anymore) is slightly vexing. So, please, tell me these things. I am not a mind reader, never have been and never will; but I am a really good listener.

(Vexing!! I vex him?? I told him I thought the tea he gave me kept me up the night I was getting sick. It was probably the fact that I was achy and had a headache as well. Who the hell cares! But here he is calling me a liar! Wow. We've seen each other three times. What the hell brought this to my door step? I am not losing sleep over a lousy kiss after a lousy meal. DAMN YOU CUPID!!!)

I have to say that I like everything about you that I have seen so far, very much indeed; enough to continue despite the (for me) less than ideal circumstances. Provided of course we can come to some sort of middle ground that works for both of us.

(How to end on a good positive note. Must have been from the Tai Chi book. Dang. I am glad it all worked out for you Serenity. I'll be running in the other direction as quickly as possible if you don't mind.)

 So, with that I leave the ball in your court. If you would like to call or e-mail me or even meet to discuss some middle ground then that would be great. :-)

I emailed him and told him I hope that he will find the love of his life and success in his restaurant. I did also mention that I didn't appreciated being called a liar and I wouldn't want to hold him back. I was polite, concise and I am mailing him his tea cup back. He responded saying that my biggest fault was being too independent and that his was being too honest. I was his 'great white hope' that he hadn't dated in a year and wouldn't be dating anytime soon. I ruined it for him. He said I was oh so promising. Really? Was I? The too independent insane me? or the schizo dysfunctional me? Which one did you fall for?

E Harmony isn't shopping online for a frickin' sofa to set in your life. I am a real person! Damn you Cupid.