Channeling Kunstler

I follow a blog by James Howard Kunstler. He mainly talks about urban issues, economic schema and the environment. He is one of the most amazingly passionate writers when it comes to his opinion. Something I identify with right now... And honestly, reading his work lately makes me think I might be needing to get something off my chest the blunt way that he does. His blog is called ClusterFuck Nation if you’re interested in taking a look. (Sorry for my readers that don’t use cuss words)

I live in a small town. A town the size of most of the neighborhoods I’ve lived in. The town of La Junta is about 8,000 residents. The entire county is 18,855 people according to the 2010 census. Yes, I said the ENTIRE county. I believe there were nearly 12,000 students on campus when I attended Notre Dame. Not to mention on game day... HA! 80,000+ people. Most of us have been to a sold out baseball game in some major stadium... Such as Rockies Stadium which holds over 50,000 seats. Just to paint the picture in very clearly to my urban friends. 19,000 people isn’t a lot.

La Junta does not have a city planner on staff nor does it have a master plan for the city. It also has not updated the comprehensive plan since the 80’s and the county has no plan to invest the already red budget in creating a document that will sit on the shelf. Yes, I’m turning red with frustration... I can’t help it!!! So many of these small towns do not know how to use long range planning documents. No wonder we are in trouble!! Good Lord what do we do??

As a built environment, the town and neighborhoods are nicely gridded and feel good to walk around (even without sidewalks). There is a fantastic WPA park in the center of town too. A train station that actually still has an Amtrak commuter route to Santa Fe, San Diego and Chicago. Consequently, John and I are planning a trip back home by train just for that reason! However, the town layout is now punctuated by tear downs of many abandoned Victorian homes, replaced by ranch burgers... that ignore their alleys and have newly carved out driveways leading to the street. Yes, it makes me want to cry. I live in one of those ranch burgers. Sigh... as my heart rate continues to go up. Especially as NO ONE here seems to see this injustice!! "Progress is a driveway sweetie, what do we need alleys for?" Okay... I can’t breathe, have you all been locked in a closet for the past 20 years?? Don’t even get me started on the historic downtown structures that are slated for demolition and the grocery store that WAS downtown that I try NOT to drive by because again... my blood pressure... arrgghh!!!

    
This brings me to how you live in a town that was built in the old west, based on a tradition, yet shuns it for “progress”. Progress is defined as a town built on ranching and farming, that now shops freely at Wal-Mart. Progress is further defined by breaking the grid in favor of swirly-twirly streets and cul-de-sacs. Progress is tearing down the grocery store building next door so that the bank, visited by 10 maybe 12 people an hour that can park on the street can now park in a lot!! If I could switch banks I would!! If I had any damn choices in this town I would make them!! And I would let them know I switched banks because they created that parking lot too. Jerks. !@#$... (Insert Kunstler speak here...)

I know that I come from a different planet than those persons born and raised out here on the prairie. That I have a different perspective. Honestly, I swear it is that I know too damn much. I feel like Erin Brockovich or something! I feel like I need to tell everyone of the injustice around them. But I’m the newbie. What do I know?? What do I REALLY know?? I don’t know if I will be beaten into submission or just keep working to find other like minded people with a bigger cause to fight for. For now, I’m getting it out in this blog and it makes me feel better just to have said how I feel. Even if there isn’t anything I can do about it. I see potential in what is here... Others see potential in plowing down what is here and transforming it into another place they’ve seen. Because anything but here is better right? They’ve really been beaten down. This town has no self-esteem.

Fact remains that John and I are here because it is a town with a dedicated and proud police department. They work tirelessly to make decisions for people that cannot make them for themselves. Domestic violence, child abuse, animal abuse, rampant drugs, theft and gang fights are par for any evenings events. We feel like we want to make a difference here. No, we aren’t sure if we can... but we want to make a difference here. There are more than just built environment and economic issues here that have been like a vice down on the population. None of this is new, I can’t help but see that the drug use, poverty, generational apathy and job losses have been plaguing La Junta before the rest of the country felt even a pinch of an economic downturn.

Why not just walk away and give this to someone else? Because that’s not us. Damn if we don't love a challenge. If John and I aren’t doing something that can’t help someone else... we just feel unfulfilled. I forgot to mention John and I are 9 days apart in birthdays. Feb 16th (me) and Feb 25th (him) both of us 1973. Makes me believe just a little more in that horoscope hootenanny!! We are very much alike when it comes to community service, reaching out and just the desperate need to feel like you’re a bigger part of something.

So, for now I grab my keys, I put aside my cynical nature as much as possible to get in my car and drive to Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart, the reason the downtown market closed. The reason Safeway struggles. The reason the farm markets are scattered and dismantled. I know it and I vote for it with every dollar I spend there. I know that. I go to Safeway when I can. But it is very expensive. I desperately try to feed the family in the only way I know how, healthy veggies that can rarely be found. Organic meat and produce that should be on every shelf is no where in sight. I can hear the gasps... I know. Rebekah drives to the grocery store (Wal-Mart no less) and she is eating food that isn’t organic and hasn’t burst into flames? Yeah, I've been like the phoenix... I still rise. In fact, I have photos to share of the Wal-Mart shelves that are sparsely filled of veggies and fruit. It is getting more and more difficult to get food shipped here, is your town next?? Stop being so naive about food production.

I took these because I wanted to show John that I wasn't kidding when I said reviving the bakery was not a possibility. I could no longer get the ingredients I needed to bake. I was having one of those days. This is a random afternoon and when I go today it will be the same. This is not after a holiday or in the middle of a stocking change.

The devil Wal-Mart I’m sure came with all these grand boasts of everything you ever wanted and more... jobs and all that jazz. No full-time employees of course. Bullshit is what they came with as usual. All this farmland surrounding the Wal-Mart no less. I’ve got an idea... GROW LOCAL! BUY LOCAL! Yeah, I’m the insane one. Because we live in a desert prairie that sells its water to Kansas. What is a prairie girl, with two cars, that lives in a ranch house that has turned its back to the alley to do? Right now, not a damn thing. I can’t point a finger at anybody without getting one right back. I don’t have any other choices. Frustration builds and ebbs away... every few weeks. Ignorance would be bliss about now.

I had to add after all of that ranting that my friend Allison sent me an email that I needed today. It was very thoughtful and had beautiful words of wisdom. I think this is what I needed before I created this post. But happy to have it after nonetheless.  

“Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at the moment.” Eckart Tolle

A Series of Beginnings and Endings

When least expected, the unexpected happens. Yes, I know, duh. And yet such an exciting part of life. That is, when the change that has occurred happens to be one you've hoped for, prayed for, longed for. When I met John I had no idea that within in the span of four weeks we would be married. It was a whirlwind romance found in books long, long ago. Our life began with what truly amounted to a three month honeymoon while I worked from home and he started school again. We loved spending time together at the zoo, walking around our Capitol Hill neighborhood and just enjoying the feeling of finding your true love. Yes, birds and hearts would actually circle our heads. They still do.

In four months we would move from Denver to Las Animas, Colorado; a very small rural town in the southeast prairie. It would take us 208 miles from our friends, neighborhood and life as I’d known it. I would transform myself from an architect to become a school teacher to 7th graders. In another three months we would leave our beloved first home behind and move temporarily to our second house in Las Animas. John would graduate from the police academy and secure a job in another town up the road. Because of the new job we would have to move in three months to said town up the road and find another house.

We would also find out that we were pregnant.

We celebrated our first wedding anniversary April 23, 2012 in our new home in La Junta. I was 6 months pregnant. John had been at his job for four months. He absolutely loves it. I’ve never seen anyone happier to go to work every day when the alarm goes off. I on the other hand was having a very hard time adjusting to being a teacher. I know now that I resented it. I wanted the life of an architect that I had known for twelve years. I hated that kids didn’t want to learn. But I kept at it and by the second semester I was doing a lot better. I’d crafted lessons that were about life and leadership. I found a little ground to stand on to get me through the year.

School is out now and I’m “inbetween” jobs. I’m waiting for my new lifelong career as a mother to begin. We’re due on July 20, 2012. So I don’t have too far to go. In the meantime I seem to be drifting. I’m honestly a bit lost. There are no possible job prospects here that can apply my education and experience. That makes me sad... frustrated... sometimes I cry about it. I loved my work. But my husband has for the first time the only job he has ever loved. And it makes me smile and truly does make me happy to see him go to work everyday and come home with a sense of pride.

I’ve reimagined this blog because I know that I can work things out when I talk about them. Only thing is... I don’t have any friends here I can talk to. I spend my days alone. We have a dog. Her name is Irma. She doesn’t mind me ranting at her sometimes. But at the end of the day, I don’t know what to do next. I’ve been working on my domestic goddess status. It is a bit frayed. While I love cooking, sewing, crafting and solving organizational problems around the home, we are a one income family. My ideas are lofty. I’m working on half a shoestring most of the time.

So here is my new blog about life on the prairie with my forever valentine John. My new baby boy is on the way. I’m sure things are going to change a lot. I’m so glad for that. Like I said in the beginning of this post: When least expected, the unexpected happens. And yet such an exciting part of life. That is when the change that has occurred is one that you had hoped for, prayed for, longed for.

Oh, Valentine's Day... is it that time already?

Okay. I realize I always start a sentence with okay when I really need to get something out. And I say - So - when I need to take a breath. Bear with my grammatical idiosyncrasies. It is that time of year for me. Forgiven?

So, it hasn't been a whole year since my last post. But close enough. Valentine's Day is around the corner and that pairs with the fun that I'm going to be another year older. I got a little sentimental for the old blog and thought you'd enjoy a walk down 2010 lane with me. There have also been a very few guys in and... out of my life in the past year. One of them moved away... so he took the drama with him. It was also a bleak summer since I was home in Michigan. And the fall flew by as I suffered though my job. Cupid applied for the unemployment extension. Thank you Obama... (if you haven't heard, the 5 o'clock shadow isn't helping the job search) So, after an extremely brief and unexpected layover in relationship station around Halloween... the year of 2010 ended in a very interesting way. Needless to say, I was happy. It wasn't what I could ever had predicted and that is always really nice. Of course then I was laid off on January 3rd. Oh reality you bite hard.

I'm fine. Things are looking up job wise. But to recap from March to January, the usual hodge-podge of labeled guys have stayed in the past. I learned A LOT. Having my Dad go through the cancer run definitely gives you a good slap too. Also, Cupid and I got some game plans and we know some signs. We've got some real deal breakers... know when to walk and we know when to run like hell. We've even worked our way up to friendships with a couple of our post blog dates. We've also ended some friendships with others.

So I will share a story that was a sort of sad break-up. This isn't new news but within a few months anyway. I had decided after our last date I was going to stop seeing him. We actually went on about 3 or 4 dates. I tried I really did! In the end I would be told... I never tried. Really?? How do you know?? To get into the story, he wanted me to meet his sisters and brother... after the second date! But I wasn't ready. I told him I wasn't ready. I wasn't even kissing him! We weren't connecting after several dates. You just can't force these things... and he had asked me to dinner again. I knew that this dinner was going to be the "define the relationship" dinner. He really liked me. I knew that. I didn't want to lead him on. I am the kind of girl that does this in person. It's hard, but respectful.

I had not responded to his text that morning. I had made plans to have brunch with one of my guy friends. So before I called him to sit down and talk I figured I would meet with my friend and decide when to plan for the dinner later. Even get a little guy perspective. And would you know it, the guy I was going to break the news to... shows up to the same brunch spot. Yup. Walked in right behind me. I asked if he was meeting someone. He said no. I told him I was meeting someone. He said he wanted to talk about my "distance". And started into all that he wanted to say. I said it wasn't the time... we could get together later... This is all pre-friend arrival. I had already had a couple of conversations with him about not being seriously involved and that I didn't want to get serious. No, I never even let him get past a kiss. None of that matters. Because he went over the fence as soon as he saw my friend walk in. He jumped right on the conclusion board said, "I get it". And left in a huff. Even my friend looked at me like, So... Rebekah, you want to talk about that? Thing is... he didn't get it. And... I didn't call him.

I didn't cheat on him. I didn't take advantage of him. I told him I didn't want a boyfriend. I told him I didn't want to meet his family. He still had the whole thing played out that I was the one. Just like the guy from Halloween. They both had all the expectations that I was this girlfriend of theirs. No matter what my actions were or what my words were.

If you've seen the movie 500 Days of Summer there is this part where they split the screen one side labeled "expectation" the other "reality". I gave them both all the information they needed to be sane. Yet (by the way) neither of them chose not to be sane when it came down to it. No. I am not being holy or anything. I know I've been there done that. But I've perked up and listened for those words, AND picked up on those actions. :) <----- That is me being proud of ME. Because I am aware of my own. I was honest and could walk away knowing I had done and said the right things for me. This also allows a look at the guy across from me and know when to walk away too. Even if he isn't as honest with me as I might be. I'm looking for the little things. It's not scientific. But it allows me a little dignity. Without getting too disappointed. If a guy wants to be with you - he will be with you. More lessons from He's Just Not That Into You... laugh and smile. It's tough sometimes.

Cupid is still perched on my shoulder. He's still a friend, albeit one who needs me more than I need him.
I just haven't been lucky enough to have that person sitting across from me look at me the way I look at them yet. I'm just looking for a little perspective. You do a million random things in each day and meeting that person could be one of them. Or not. What are ya gonna do? Just be yourself right? And that means I put myself out there. And that's just me.

So, in 11 days, I'm still going to be me. And two days later... still the same girl. Probably with a bigger *sigh* and with 38 Valentine's Days behind her.

Where the Wild Things Are

Cupid was on a rampage for St. Patrick’s Day. I don’t know if it’s jealousy or just plain competitive spirit for the holiday season… but he was bad. And I of course got into a little trouble. 24 hours of not so good decision making. Fun? YES. Feeling a tad humiliated… and may even come out of it with a couple of scars. Eh. I am talking the actual physical kind not the emotional type. Let me introduce you to Mr. WildLife.

Enter ‘The Boy’. Waaaay too cute for me and out of my league (just my small opinion) later this will change. I get introduced by a friend. He says we were supposed to meet a few other times. But I stood him up and didn’t show. He actually names two places I did bail on. Huh. (big smile from me) Oh so flirty. It provokes him to say things like – ‘I’ve been waiting for you, I’m so glad you decided to show up’. Yeah, I can’t make that up. And because both Cupid and I are one glass of champagne and two Guiness in… We give each other the nod thinking – WOW… St. Patrick’s day is AWESOME!!

I won’t speak for Mr. WildLife (yet). But I was having a GREAT time. We danced, drank and snogged the night away. Inseparable for 24 whole hours. (ear to ear grin here) He held my hand and kissed my forehead every time he looked at me. (sound familiar?- see Mr. Perfect) He smiled and laughed and dragged me across Denver. I found him infinitely interesting. I don’t think I’ve ever been so interested in listening to someone before. I let him talk about himself all night. And I did mention how adorable he was right? And that he was talking to me. (Sorry, I know you all have your opinions but I am humble about my appearance. And after all the crazies and being dumped about 20 times in the last year. Well, again… humbled. I’m still catching up with hearing that I’m ‘hot’. Especially at my age. And even more so because no one sticks around.) Did I mention he told me I was hot like three times? (stick a fork in me, I’m done like dinner.)

So, let’s just skip to the end. The scars. We kissed so much that his 5 o’clock shadow has left my chin a little raw… I giggle. But now that he’s bailed it just hurts and I’m not amused at my behavior… and I have to model on Thursday!! Damn it Cupid. And we made out everywhere. Even like in high school, when chairs just got too predictable. So there were… on the floor for a bit… so yeah, I’ve got one of those little rug burn spots that you get when you’re 16 on my back. DAMN it Cupid. Again… modeling on Thursday… open back dress. Uh… going to have to do some serious make-up work and a lot of lies to make up about the gym… What was it I used to say to my ballet teacher?

Mr. WildLife made me act like a teenager. It was so much fun!! I honestly thought oh my god this guy has got to be into me!! Sure. What kind of animal am I? The foolish kind. I’m thinking who kisses someone this much if you aren’t into them!!?? Oh, right. If you’ve had a lot of Guiness you’ll kiss someone that much. And if you’re Mr. WildLife. Or if you just feel like snogging every St. Patrick’s day with a random girl. Or maybe if you’re the Wildman you might do this every weekend.

Whatever it is I’m trying not to take the fact that he didn’t want my phone number or to see me again personally. Maybe it’s a St. Patrick’s tradition of his? So the next time you’re checking out animal habitat. In Denver the wild things come out on drinking holidays and prey on girls like me. They live in various parts of the City and dress like hipsters in their vintage green things. They make you feel irresistible until of course they are sober enough to not say anything really except that they need to do their laundry. Wild.

At least these guys stay more or less interesting. Obviously it will depend on your point of view. Since you all read my blog because you’re my friends I hope you can hang with me for a while and ultimately take my point of view which is that this guy is lame 364 days out of the year. Actually NOT out of my league. In fact, in my harsh light of day not worth another 24 hours. (insert smiley face here)