Love: Friendships

 "A friend is someone who knows you,

and loves you just the same."

-- Elbert Hubbard

I am going home soon. 6 days!! I'm excited to see my siblings and cousins... the best friends anyone can grow up with!  I've been away for so long... Going on about 8 years to be sentimental... There's much to catch up on with everyone. Just the same, I know I've changed a lot. Sure, there are stories to tell about doing this and that in all my travels. But those people who I've been able to keep in touch with through facebook or phone... or lovely visits know who I am. My change has happened happily on the inside. And of course with some well earned gray on the outside. Heck, the biggest changes in my life didn't necessarily happen in Rome or Winchester, although, I believe many events lead me to  the last two years. I've met my soul mate, I've gotten married, had the dearest blessing of a child and I'm about to move back home and start an incredible business venture with a great friend! {can I say that yet?!?}

I've had many 'homes'. But I've learned true HOME is where all the people you love are near by in both proximity but also in soul connections. While, to have proximity, I would have to fold the earth to get them ALL near me... So we rely on those deeper soul vibrations to keep us close. For two years Xan, John and I have been a little unit here on the prairie... we exist with each other happy and without cares outside of us. I hope for our sake, you can go home again. Because I want John and Xan to know the love that grows from dear friends and family that share your home, your food, your love and your happiness.

It will actually be an adjustment, although for me an incredibly necessary one, to have family near and visiting all the time again. I've grown casually used to being alone with Xan or John so much. I've had them to myself for so long. And they have had me. Now we have to share!! I laugh... But it has been an incredible opportunity for us to get to know one another in a way few couples get. We've had to break a lot of boundaries quickly, although for us it was never a difficult effort. I am stubborn, lord knows. And so is John... again, I smile. We are so much alike and yet we have brought two very different outlooks to one another. Bringing Xan into our lives has been a journey we've both looked forward to every single day. It truly does just keep getting better!

I've also been talking to a dear friend about friendships that are broken, people that disappear out of our lives, and how that can make you feel empty or as if you did something wrong. I don't always know why we leave people behind. We make a lot of decisions based on what is going on in that moment. Later we see that it was a bad decision and we try to mend fences or we feel embarrassed and decide to save face so to speak and just try to move forward. Audrey Hepburn said you should never leave anyone behind that you meet... and that is a generous sentiment. I have to admit though that God sends people into our lives {as the saying goes} for a reason, a season, or a lesson.  I ask the universe for a lot of forgiveness to be cast across my past. I ask for it a lot. I know I haven't always been the best friend, sister, cousin, niece, daughter, grand-daughter, wife, mother... that I could be. I know that I try harder everyday to be the person that I would look to admire. Afterall, Xan will not follow my words as much as he will follow my actions. I think about that a lot. John and I both do.

my sister kathy and her sweet litte guy nolan. he's 4 now and so tall. he's about 2 in this photo. i can't wait to see them!

As we might judge ourselves, or others for their decisions, perhaps we should remember that we don't always know the options that the other person had when they chose to do what they did. Emotions are wild things at times. And it seems like the right thing at the time... maybe it was our heart... hurt, upset, overjoyed, or some other fleeting bit that decided the outcome. Maybe it was your head... logical, pragmatic, or it just made things 'easier'. There are many causes and effects that come into play. I cannot judge others. I hope they have the heart to forgive my misguiding as well. I am clearing some cobwebs this spring, and opening my heart and soul to a new beginning. Is there anything more frightening and exciting than that? Nah, not for us.

xan... 8 months old.

As we head home to create new relationships out of old... as so many of my friends also have children that I'm excited to meet. I also have friends who don't have children and are excited to make Xan a part of their lives as extended aunties and uncles. What more could a kid want?? He's so unbelievably blessed!! His god-parents {Kristen & John} have remarked to us that he was born precisely at this moment in our lives for a reason. We know that is the truth... we live it everyday. He is an amazing soul. Just wait till you meet him! You will feel it too. I can't just say that as his mother... but yet, I can, can't I. {huge smile!}

I've been kind of a quote junkie this week... I thought I'd share a few that are from my quote collection about friendship.

If I could give you one thing in life, I would give you the ability to see yourself through my eyes. Only then would you realize how special you are to me.
 
Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God's kindness: kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile. -- Mother Teresa {this is the mantra for my blog}

Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace. -- Dalai Lama

Surround yourself only with people who are going to lift you higher. -- Oprah Winfrey

The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice. -- Peggy O’Mara {but this works truly for everyone we encounter, doesn’t it.}

You might not know this... but I’d go out of my way, just to make sure that you’re okay.

What you do today is important, because you are exchanging a day of your life for it.

Always give a little more than you promise.

I believe that God sent you into my life to give me something to fight for, to show me there is love in this world, to give me hope and to bring me joy. All the proof in God I need is in you. You are a gift from the heavens.

Today you are YOU, that is truer than true. There is no one alive that is your than YOU. -- Dr. Seuss

Rowing harder doesn’t help if the boat is headed in the wrong direction. 

Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people. -- Eleanor Roosevelt.

You and I are more than friends... We’re like a really small gang.

The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts. -- Marcus Aurelies

People always tell you to follow your heart. What they don’t tell you is that it might not always be a happy ending.

Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who YOU are.

When you think you’re going to lose something, is the moment it becomes the most important focus in your life. -- me... {and many others, don’t wait for that moment, be grateful EVERY day}

My Theme for 2013

I recently read a little post on LinkedIn, another social network I belong to, that reminded me of something I do each year - unknowingly? I mean I know what I do... However, until this morning I had been making these little "resolutions" without much thought. I always make what I thought were good resolutions or goals around this time of the year {nerd}. Well, I would make goals or resolutions that will hopefully inspire me or motivate me in a WHOLE way. I don't make resolutions that are projects {i.e. go or quit doing this or that} Let me try to explain.

The post I read made me realize that I have been consciously doing myself the favor of setting goals with a theme. That is the spark here!! I make goals that have a theme! Okay... why did I not realize this?? But now it is crystal clear?? Let me try to explain that aspect... I am a huge fan of Strengths Finder. If you haven't heard of it... check this out. http://www.strengthsfinder.com/home.aspx

Since I've taken the evaluation, I have kept coming back to them. I love knowing them and seeing them in action {like now!}. I bring these strengths papers with me to interviews because they help me talk about me in a way I have never been able to. Sure, I can talk about what projects I've done or some skill set I have. Stuff like that. But when you're asked to talk about yourself, your character, the way you work, what you NEED to succeed in a job, it can be difficult. Either you sound too passive or egotistical. Or you may not even be able to answer with clarity what your strengths or weaknesses are.

Sharing Traditions... Happy 4th of July!

The Kik's Village House

If only I could be home in Richland, Michigan right now sitting on the porch with my family and friends. I am there with my spirit and my heart. I have started some small contractions and yet, they are the false kind. Still, traveling this past week was out of the question when you're 9 months pregnant. Sigh... I just miss EVERYONE!!

I love the 4th of July. I mean I LOVE the 4th of July. Sure, I'm as patriotic as they come and love that we fought for our freedoms and independence. The holiday resonates well with an independent spirit! But most of all I love the memories that I've had since I was really little! And there have only been a few 4th's that I've missed on that porch. One in 2001, I was in Vienna, Austria. And in 2007 I was living in Winchester, England doing a summer internship. In 2008, I had just moved to Denver and had spent my vacation time back home at the end of June to see my nephew Nolan born. In 2011, John and I had just moved to Las Animas. My friend Karen was married on the 17th of July also in 2011, so we came late in the month to be with her and DJ. And now 2012... oh the sadness of two years in a row!! But so much happiness too... with our son on the way. Hmmm... I keep hoping it would be today... but alas... nothing yet.

A Remembrance and a Thank You

On Sunday, Celena Hollis was murdered in City Park in Denver. Celena was a Denver police officer. She attempted to break up a fight and was fatally shot in the incident. Notably, Celena was also from Detroit where she served on the police force there. So, not only did she have ties close to where we live now... She was from my home state. I felt strongly about writing this post today. I thought you should know about her as well.

I don't need to tell you that this was a horrible and disgusting crime. You might also know that my husband is a police officer. This, like other events in the military, where I have nephews, god-daughters and friends serving... hits home hard. It can happen to anyone. At anytime.

Channeling Kunstler

I follow a blog by James Howard Kunstler. He mainly talks about urban issues, economic schema and the environment. He is one of the most amazingly passionate writers when it comes to his opinion. Something I identify with right now... And honestly, reading his work lately makes me think I might be needing to get something off my chest the blunt way that he does. His blog is called ClusterFuck Nation if you’re interested in taking a look. (Sorry for my readers that don’t use cuss words)

I live in a small town. A town the size of most of the neighborhoods I’ve lived in. The town of La Junta is about 8,000 residents. The entire county is 18,855 people according to the 2010 census. Yes, I said the ENTIRE county. I believe there were nearly 12,000 students on campus when I attended Notre Dame. Not to mention on game day... HA! 80,000+ people. Most of us have been to a sold out baseball game in some major stadium... Such as Rockies Stadium which holds over 50,000 seats. Just to paint the picture in very clearly to my urban friends. 19,000 people isn’t a lot.

La Junta does not have a city planner on staff nor does it have a master plan for the city. It also has not updated the comprehensive plan since the 80’s and the county has no plan to invest the already red budget in creating a document that will sit on the shelf. Yes, I’m turning red with frustration... I can’t help it!!! So many of these small towns do not know how to use long range planning documents. No wonder we are in trouble!! Good Lord what do we do??

As a built environment, the town and neighborhoods are nicely gridded and feel good to walk around (even without sidewalks). There is a fantastic WPA park in the center of town too. A train station that actually still has an Amtrak commuter route to Santa Fe, San Diego and Chicago. Consequently, John and I are planning a trip back home by train just for that reason! However, the town layout is now punctuated by tear downs of many abandoned Victorian homes, replaced by ranch burgers... that ignore their alleys and have newly carved out driveways leading to the street. Yes, it makes me want to cry. I live in one of those ranch burgers. Sigh... as my heart rate continues to go up. Especially as NO ONE here seems to see this injustice!! "Progress is a driveway sweetie, what do we need alleys for?" Okay... I can’t breathe, have you all been locked in a closet for the past 20 years?? Don’t even get me started on the historic downtown structures that are slated for demolition and the grocery store that WAS downtown that I try NOT to drive by because again... my blood pressure... arrgghh!!!

    
This brings me to how you live in a town that was built in the old west, based on a tradition, yet shuns it for “progress”. Progress is defined as a town built on ranching and farming, that now shops freely at Wal-Mart. Progress is further defined by breaking the grid in favor of swirly-twirly streets and cul-de-sacs. Progress is tearing down the grocery store building next door so that the bank, visited by 10 maybe 12 people an hour that can park on the street can now park in a lot!! If I could switch banks I would!! If I had any damn choices in this town I would make them!! And I would let them know I switched banks because they created that parking lot too. Jerks. !@#$... (Insert Kunstler speak here...)

I know that I come from a different planet than those persons born and raised out here on the prairie. That I have a different perspective. Honestly, I swear it is that I know too damn much. I feel like Erin Brockovich or something! I feel like I need to tell everyone of the injustice around them. But I’m the newbie. What do I know?? What do I REALLY know?? I don’t know if I will be beaten into submission or just keep working to find other like minded people with a bigger cause to fight for. For now, I’m getting it out in this blog and it makes me feel better just to have said how I feel. Even if there isn’t anything I can do about it. I see potential in what is here... Others see potential in plowing down what is here and transforming it into another place they’ve seen. Because anything but here is better right? They’ve really been beaten down. This town has no self-esteem.

Fact remains that John and I are here because it is a town with a dedicated and proud police department. They work tirelessly to make decisions for people that cannot make them for themselves. Domestic violence, child abuse, animal abuse, rampant drugs, theft and gang fights are par for any evenings events. We feel like we want to make a difference here. No, we aren’t sure if we can... but we want to make a difference here. There are more than just built environment and economic issues here that have been like a vice down on the population. None of this is new, I can’t help but see that the drug use, poverty, generational apathy and job losses have been plaguing La Junta before the rest of the country felt even a pinch of an economic downturn.

Why not just walk away and give this to someone else? Because that’s not us. Damn if we don't love a challenge. If John and I aren’t doing something that can’t help someone else... we just feel unfulfilled. I forgot to mention John and I are 9 days apart in birthdays. Feb 16th (me) and Feb 25th (him) both of us 1973. Makes me believe just a little more in that horoscope hootenanny!! We are very much alike when it comes to community service, reaching out and just the desperate need to feel like you’re a bigger part of something.

So, for now I grab my keys, I put aside my cynical nature as much as possible to get in my car and drive to Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart, the reason the downtown market closed. The reason Safeway struggles. The reason the farm markets are scattered and dismantled. I know it and I vote for it with every dollar I spend there. I know that. I go to Safeway when I can. But it is very expensive. I desperately try to feed the family in the only way I know how, healthy veggies that can rarely be found. Organic meat and produce that should be on every shelf is no where in sight. I can hear the gasps... I know. Rebekah drives to the grocery store (Wal-Mart no less) and she is eating food that isn’t organic and hasn’t burst into flames? Yeah, I've been like the phoenix... I still rise. In fact, I have photos to share of the Wal-Mart shelves that are sparsely filled of veggies and fruit. It is getting more and more difficult to get food shipped here, is your town next?? Stop being so naive about food production.

I took these because I wanted to show John that I wasn't kidding when I said reviving the bakery was not a possibility. I could no longer get the ingredients I needed to bake. I was having one of those days. This is a random afternoon and when I go today it will be the same. This is not after a holiday or in the middle of a stocking change.

The devil Wal-Mart I’m sure came with all these grand boasts of everything you ever wanted and more... jobs and all that jazz. No full-time employees of course. Bullshit is what they came with as usual. All this farmland surrounding the Wal-Mart no less. I’ve got an idea... GROW LOCAL! BUY LOCAL! Yeah, I’m the insane one. Because we live in a desert prairie that sells its water to Kansas. What is a prairie girl, with two cars, that lives in a ranch house that has turned its back to the alley to do? Right now, not a damn thing. I can’t point a finger at anybody without getting one right back. I don’t have any other choices. Frustration builds and ebbs away... every few weeks. Ignorance would be bliss about now.

I had to add after all of that ranting that my friend Allison sent me an email that I needed today. It was very thoughtful and had beautiful words of wisdom. I think this is what I needed before I created this post. But happy to have it after nonetheless.  

“Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at the moment.” Eckart Tolle