Ready for 2014. DIY Happiness.

So, I title this DIY happiness. What am I getting at? Basically, what we choose to focus on in our lives does make us happier. However, I can't help but also being the victim of having SUCH a busy scattered unfocused life for so long that I feel like I'm literally missing something if I'm not constantly physically or mentally moving, searching, looking, improving myself... i must be human or something?...

will i ever be good enough? will i ever be successful? 

The absolute truth of the matter is... how will I ever know? How will I ever know if I'm good enough or successful if I'm constantly thinking I need to improve, need to do better, need to keep setting stronger, faster, better... unattainable goals. I say they are unattainable because I have not yet attained them in my imagination. I've focused on what I haven't done for too long. I have started a list of things I have done! What I have accomplished! Who cares if I set the goal or not... I did things that I didn't even know I wanted to do! And I am happy.

What I've been focusing on since 2010 (actually 2008). The "goals" that I thought were necessary to be happy and successful. I've focused on the fact I haven't attained them. I've focused on the how do I get them BACK. Yuck. It's really like wanting a bad relationship back. Bad Ju Ju. Letting GO!! Remove the trash!!!

Goal Unattained: In my 12 years of employment I would never make senior architect; nor senior planner at any firm that I worked in. Layoffs make it very difficult. My last corporate employment ended in 2010. It ended on a very, very, very sad and sour note. With my boss/ supervisor at the time on January 3rd making his last words to me:

"Happy frickin' New Year Rebekah."

I wish those words still didn't echo as loud as they do. I just wanted to squash him. But I just walked away as tall as I could.

But what did occur, was better than any goal 

I could have ever set for myself.

Goal that wasn't set... But what just "happened": I spoke with a woman that had been in touch earlier about a project for my former firm. However, I confided in her... I might be on the chopping block. Tammy, who would become a dear friend, on New Year's Eve 2011 would offer me the chance to start my own firm by contracting directly with me to prepare a series of documents for her that would keep me employed for 2 years. I now have my own firm. I have clients. I have published documents, plans and implemented policies and strategies. I did that with an incredible team (that wasn't a firm) in a small rural town.

THAT {to me} is DIY Happiness: Open yourself up to the world in a different way!! Don't ever let ANYONE hold your happiness key in their pocket. I really do believe that what you put into the world is what you get back... 3 fold... 10 fold... I have steady employment now that comes in from here and there. If I could focus more, I'm sure I'd get more! But I have Xan. He is my priority and my bit of the universe knows that. It hands me what I can realistically deal with. I really do appreciate that!!

I thought that if I had a title, a cool firm to work for, a boss to praise me, a team to work with... I could be fulfilled with everything that was my dream career... those have been my goals for YEARS! Even up to the end of this year I was begging for jobs. Sending out my resume to everyone I knew...

Nope. Not in the stars for me. And I focused on the rejection the lack of support. I forgot to focus on the work that was on my desk. The support from friends and family. That the phone that was ringing. Not to mention the orders that came into my Etsy shop, the creativity that I'm using everyday! THAT is what I need to put my positive energy into. My do-it-yourself business is REAL happiness. My blog header, my Etsy shop header... my about page says it! Why am I not meditating on it?? I meant it when I wrote it!! I love putting a happy message into the world. I want people to feel happy when they get one of my cards or pieces of art in the mail. I think of them when I am producing my work. I think... "I want the person who receives this to smile! I want to brighten their day!"

Not only is your food made with love... but this spoon... was stamped with LOVE!! xox

"I know that my inner cupid is not necessarily trying to get other people together... but to bring out the best in myself... and leave the people that I meet with a better sense of who they are too. Mother Teresa said (much more eloquently) that we should leave each person that crosses our path better than we found them. I think that goes for meeting on the internet too." -- from my welcome page xox

What I have done/ what I'm doing:

• Started up the Etsy store and focused on my art. Painting, stamping, wire, paper! All my favorite things!
• I have a successful planning/ architecture practice that gives John and I extra income every few months.
• I stay home with Xan and we have grown together like I could never have imagined. I love him so much!!
• I work from HOME!! {sometimes in PJs} I choose who I work with. No abusive bosses or co-workers!!
• I paint every morning. sigh... awesome.
• I have a loving, sweet, and adoring husband that supports me through whatever comes into my head next. Essential for any kind of artistic person!!
• I have moved home to Michigan to be closer to friends and family that I love dearly. My life is filled with so much more with them near John, Xan and I.
• I love being in my grandparent's old home. Yes, it needs love... but we can do it!
• 2014 is more Etsy marketing, craft shows and art focused. Planning and architecture will become the catalyst for doing art; not the other way around!! 
• I will let go of the relationships that have hurt me. I will let go of the goals that hurt me. I will let go of them because I am tired of their echos interfering with my future.
• No more goals. Direction is better.

Everyday Is Important

The little things are always big things especially when your a little person. Xan is navigating the world of 15 months today. He is at the point that I know most people would be frustrated and immediately label "the terrible two's". The fact is, his brain and body are out of sync. He can think a lot faster than his hands can manipulate and feet can carry him. It is a natural reaction to be frustrated and whine when you can't achieve something. I've witnessed many 20, 30 and even 40 year olds go through this phase!

I'm helping him try to balance frustration with new ways to do things or just trying to slow him down a bit and focus. It is hard on some tasks, easier on others. I saw this quote today and it made me think of why I'm so very thankful to stay home with Xan and be his caretaker. I've heard all kinds of lovely derogatory remarks about stay at home mothers. (I also happen to do architecture at home within all of the crazy that happens day to day to earn a little extra money to fix up the house!) Whatever, I am going to raise my child as long as I can and I dare you to ask me what I do all day. Because I will remind you that I am taking care of a little person who can't do much of anything for himself... and a husband who is a close second... ;) Love ya babe!!

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

I hope you've noticed my absence. Maybe some have, maybe some haven't. Either way. I've noticed it! I have been on a whirlwind weird and wild ride since we landed back in Michigan. Some of it wonderful... some of it depressing, harsh and just down right ugly.

Mostly I've stayed away because I didn't have anything good or positive to say. So, I just didn't! I would start a post and it would inevitably start down the nastiest spiral. I've gotten over it. I have decided if that is some of what I need to say. I may say it. Regardless, I have hit a new higher road with all that has been dragging me down. I am happy to say that! John was on the roller coaster with me. He's also doing a lot better here. He's found a great job at Stryker and started this week! That has made a huge difference in the mood of our little home here on the Michigan prairie.

I thought I would start our return to blogging off with a really, really delicious recipe!!

Zucchini Bread... Don't give me that look!! I know, I know... been there done that. So you know I had to make it different! Vegan and less oil. But then balanced the universe back with chocolate chips. Pure love... Baked love.

I got this recipe from an awesome customer I met while I made my way through the 3rd layer of hell as a part-time employee at Lowe's. Yup. I had a great time! And Robyn made it even better! We all need a job somewhere at different times in our lives. I was lucky enough to grab a great gig at Lowe's while other things in my life were trying to balance out. It was a great anchor... I just put in my two weeks notice yesterday. I've been hired, as an independent consultant, to work on several planning/ urban design jobs for the forseeable future and Lowe's, Xan and John are all competing for attention.

So, Lowe's had to be told good-bye. I now get to stay home and work with Xan! And John is happily working 1st shift and gets home at 3pm!! So, like I said, things are going really well for us again. That isn't a monetary thing, it is just a stability thing!! Feeling like we are on the same road traveling together as a family. So many upsetting things were happening (we will get to them eventually) that we couldn't find our way for a while. I was making every sacrifice I could, so was John... but nothing was coming together. Until two weeks ago. We both had awesome returned phone calls, meetings and JOBS waiting for us on Monday!!

Anyway... until next post... that will be TOMORROW... 

"Happily!", she exclaimed. 

Please enjoy Robyn's recipe handed down from her mom. To make this vegan, substitute flax seed for the eggs (3 T and 9 T of water) And applesauce for oil. That is it!! And instead of nuts, I chose to add chocolate chips!

Love: Friendships

 "A friend is someone who knows you,

and loves you just the same."

-- Elbert Hubbard

I am going home soon. 6 days!! I'm excited to see my siblings and cousins... the best friends anyone can grow up with!  I've been away for so long... Going on about 8 years to be sentimental... There's much to catch up on with everyone. Just the same, I know I've changed a lot. Sure, there are stories to tell about doing this and that in all my travels. But those people who I've been able to keep in touch with through facebook or phone... or lovely visits know who I am. My change has happened happily on the inside. And of course with some well earned gray on the outside. Heck, the biggest changes in my life didn't necessarily happen in Rome or Winchester, although, I believe many events lead me to  the last two years. I've met my soul mate, I've gotten married, had the dearest blessing of a child and I'm about to move back home and start an incredible business venture with a great friend! {can I say that yet?!?}

I've had many 'homes'. But I've learned true HOME is where all the people you love are near by in both proximity but also in soul connections. While, to have proximity, I would have to fold the earth to get them ALL near me... So we rely on those deeper soul vibrations to keep us close. For two years Xan, John and I have been a little unit here on the prairie... we exist with each other happy and without cares outside of us. I hope for our sake, you can go home again. Because I want John and Xan to know the love that grows from dear friends and family that share your home, your food, your love and your happiness.

It will actually be an adjustment, although for me an incredibly necessary one, to have family near and visiting all the time again. I've grown casually used to being alone with Xan or John so much. I've had them to myself for so long. And they have had me. Now we have to share!! I laugh... But it has been an incredible opportunity for us to get to know one another in a way few couples get. We've had to break a lot of boundaries quickly, although for us it was never a difficult effort. I am stubborn, lord knows. And so is John... again, I smile. We are so much alike and yet we have brought two very different outlooks to one another. Bringing Xan into our lives has been a journey we've both looked forward to every single day. It truly does just keep getting better!

I've also been talking to a dear friend about friendships that are broken, people that disappear out of our lives, and how that can make you feel empty or as if you did something wrong. I don't always know why we leave people behind. We make a lot of decisions based on what is going on in that moment. Later we see that it was a bad decision and we try to mend fences or we feel embarrassed and decide to save face so to speak and just try to move forward. Audrey Hepburn said you should never leave anyone behind that you meet... and that is a generous sentiment. I have to admit though that God sends people into our lives {as the saying goes} for a reason, a season, or a lesson.  I ask the universe for a lot of forgiveness to be cast across my past. I ask for it a lot. I know I haven't always been the best friend, sister, cousin, niece, daughter, grand-daughter, wife, mother... that I could be. I know that I try harder everyday to be the person that I would look to admire. Afterall, Xan will not follow my words as much as he will follow my actions. I think about that a lot. John and I both do.

my sister kathy and her sweet litte guy nolan. he's 4 now and so tall. he's about 2 in this photo. i can't wait to see them!

As we might judge ourselves, or others for their decisions, perhaps we should remember that we don't always know the options that the other person had when they chose to do what they did. Emotions are wild things at times. And it seems like the right thing at the time... maybe it was our heart... hurt, upset, overjoyed, or some other fleeting bit that decided the outcome. Maybe it was your head... logical, pragmatic, or it just made things 'easier'. There are many causes and effects that come into play. I cannot judge others. I hope they have the heart to forgive my misguiding as well. I am clearing some cobwebs this spring, and opening my heart and soul to a new beginning. Is there anything more frightening and exciting than that? Nah, not for us.

xan... 8 months old.

As we head home to create new relationships out of old... as so many of my friends also have children that I'm excited to meet. I also have friends who don't have children and are excited to make Xan a part of their lives as extended aunties and uncles. What more could a kid want?? He's so unbelievably blessed!! His god-parents {Kristen & John} have remarked to us that he was born precisely at this moment in our lives for a reason. We know that is the truth... we live it everyday. He is an amazing soul. Just wait till you meet him! You will feel it too. I can't just say that as his mother... but yet, I can, can't I. {huge smile!}

I've been kind of a quote junkie this week... I thought I'd share a few that are from my quote collection about friendship.

If I could give you one thing in life, I would give you the ability to see yourself through my eyes. Only then would you realize how special you are to me.
 
Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God's kindness: kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile. -- Mother Teresa {this is the mantra for my blog}

Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace. -- Dalai Lama

Surround yourself only with people who are going to lift you higher. -- Oprah Winfrey

The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice. -- Peggy O’Mara {but this works truly for everyone we encounter, doesn’t it.}

You might not know this... but I’d go out of my way, just to make sure that you’re okay.

What you do today is important, because you are exchanging a day of your life for it.

Always give a little more than you promise.

I believe that God sent you into my life to give me something to fight for, to show me there is love in this world, to give me hope and to bring me joy. All the proof in God I need is in you. You are a gift from the heavens.

Today you are YOU, that is truer than true. There is no one alive that is your than YOU. -- Dr. Seuss

Rowing harder doesn’t help if the boat is headed in the wrong direction. 

Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people. -- Eleanor Roosevelt.

You and I are more than friends... We’re like a really small gang.

The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts. -- Marcus Aurelies

People always tell you to follow your heart. What they don’t tell you is that it might not always be a happy ending.

Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who YOU are.

When you think you’re going to lose something, is the moment it becomes the most important focus in your life. -- me... {and many others, don’t wait for that moment, be grateful EVERY day}

To see the stars, it must be very dark...

 For my part I know nothing with any certainty, 

but the sight of the stars makes me dream.
Vincent Van Gogh

 

Time and time again (the last seven years in particular) I've asked myself what am I going to do now? One thing ends and I pause to look and see where the next adventure will begin. I find myself on that trail again. Looking at a few paths that could be ahead of us and some of them dark or very long. Don't get me wrong, I've taken many of those long paths and been more than thankful that I did.

I just feel like I'm on some kind of spiral. I reach the end, and I'm at the beginning. It is a different situation; however, it is a similar circumstance each time. It is funny how each person seems to truly have a kind of destiny even if you don't always look at it that way. It seems my path has a lot to do with starting new adventures. I don't ever get to really delve into something the way I'd like. As soon as I've fulfilled my purpose I get sort of moved on in one way or another. I invented the curriculum, I am the guinea pig for new courses, I've started 3 offices, I create a new set of documents from scratch... I'm not complaining. Please don't read into it like that. I'm just saying it's interesting how I seem to be chosen for these innovative situations and I'm excited at the beginning... by the end, I'm bruised, everyone has moved on to the next gig or there were few that were actually willing to help build the vision. Or simply what I was involved in just wasn't the best evolution of the idea.

Love & Kindness

It's still February for a couple of days and I've still got the love bug dancing around in my heart...

I feel the need to pal up with my inner Cupid and talk about love and kindness. Not just the love between two people, but loving ourselves for who we are, loving what we do each day, loving our life and how we live it, loving what is around us, because we are part of it... Love and kindness should be our goal each day. Mother Teresa said it most eloquently:

"Let no one ever come to you 

without leaving better and happier. 

Be the living expression of God's kindness: 

kindness in your face, 

kindness in your eyes, 

kindness in your smile.”

Earlier last year, I was ready to begin yoga teacher training. Unfortunately, the closest place is Colorado Springs... 2.5 hours drive. And it is an 8 week course. I would need a sitter which is not possible at this moment. I will keep working on my yoga until I can become an instructor. Possibly when we get back home to Michigan someday... I mention this because I believe that my past yoga practice, and those teachers, has been an inspiration to meditate on positive energy and sending love and compassion into the world. I love going to yoga class and feeling not only as if I have a great physical workout, but a spiritual top-off.