will i ever be good enough? will i ever be successful?
The absolute truth of the matter is... how will I ever know? How will I ever know if I'm good enough or successful if I'm constantly thinking I need to improve, need to do better, need to keep setting stronger, faster, better... unattainable goals. I say they are unattainable because I have not yet attained them in my imagination. I've focused on what I haven't done for too long. I have started a list of things I have done! What I have accomplished! Who cares if I set the goal or not... I did things that I didn't even know I wanted to do! And I am happy.
What I've been focusing on since 2010 (actually 2008). The "goals" that I thought were necessary to be happy and successful. I've focused on the fact I haven't attained them. I've focused on the how do I get them BACK. Yuck. It's really like wanting a bad relationship back. Bad Ju Ju. Letting GO!! Remove the trash!!!
Goal Unattained: In my 12 years of employment I would never make senior architect; nor senior planner at any firm that I worked in. Layoffs make it very difficult. My last corporate employment ended in 2010. It ended on a very, very, very sad and sour note. With my boss/ supervisor at the time on January 3rd making his last words to me:
"Happy frickin' New Year Rebekah."
I wish those words still didn't echo as loud as they do. I just wanted to squash him. But I just walked away as tall as I could.
But what did occur, was better than any goal
I could have ever set for myself.
Goal that wasn't set... But what just "happened": I spoke with a woman that had been in touch earlier about a project for my former firm. However, I confided in her... I might be on the chopping block. Tammy, who would become a dear friend, on New Year's Eve 2011 would offer me the chance to start my own firm by contracting directly with me to prepare a series of documents for her that would keep me employed for 2 years. I now have my own firm. I have clients. I have published documents, plans and implemented policies and strategies. I did that with an incredible team (that wasn't a firm) in a small rural town.
THAT {to me} is DIY Happiness: Open yourself up to the world in a different way!! Don't ever let ANYONE hold your happiness key in their pocket. I really do believe that what you put into the world is what you get back... 3 fold... 10 fold... I have steady employment now that comes in from here and there. If I could focus more, I'm sure I'd get more! But I have Xan. He is my priority and my bit of the universe knows that. It hands me what I can realistically deal with. I really do appreciate that!!
I thought that if I had a title, a cool firm to work for, a boss to praise me, a team to work with... I could be fulfilled with everything that was my dream career... those have been my goals for YEARS! Even up to the end of this year I was begging for jobs. Sending out my resume to everyone I knew...
Nope. Not in the stars for me. And I focused on the rejection the lack of support. I forgot to focus on the work that was on my desk. The support from friends and family. That the phone that was ringing. Not to mention the orders that came into my Etsy shop, the creativity that I'm using everyday! THAT is what I need to put my positive energy into. My do-it-yourself business is REAL happiness. My blog header, my Etsy shop header... my about page says it! Why am I not meditating on it?? I meant it when I wrote it!! I love putting a happy message into the world. I want people to feel happy when they get one of my cards or pieces of art in the mail. I think of them when I am producing my work. I think... "I want the person who receives this to smile! I want to brighten their day!"
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| Not only is your food made with love... but this spoon... was stamped with LOVE!! xox |
"I know that my inner cupid is not necessarily trying to get other people together... but to bring out the best in myself... and leave the people that I meet with a better sense of who they are too. Mother Teresa said (much more eloquently) that we should leave each person that crosses our path better than we found them. I think that goes for meeting on the internet too." -- from my welcome page xox
What I have done/ what I'm doing:
- Started up the Etsy store and focused on my art. Painting, stamping, wire, paper! All my favorite things!
- I have a successful planning/ architecture practice that gives John and I extra income every few months.
- I stay home with Xan and we have grown together like I could never have imagined. I love him so much!!
- I work from HOME!! {sometimes in PJs} I choose who I work with. No abusive bosses or co-workers!!
- I paint every morning. sigh... awesome.
- I have a loving, sweet, and adoring husband that supports me through whatever comes into my head next. Essential for any kind of artistic person!!
- I have moved home to Michigan to be closer to friends and family that I love dearly. My life is filled with so much more with them near John, Xan and I.
- I love being in my grandparent's old home. Yes, it needs love... but we can do it!
- 2014 is more Etsy marketing, craft shows and art focused. Planning and architecture will become the catalyst for doing art; not the other way around!!
- I will let go of the relationships that have hurt me. I will let go of the goals that hurt me. I will let go of them because I am tired of their echos interfering with my future.
- No more goals. Direction is better.
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