Rebekah's Valentine: To see the stars, it must be very dark...

For my part I know nothing with any certainty,

but the sight of the stars makes me dream.
Vincent Van Gogh

Time and time again (the last seven years in particular) I've asked myself what am I going to do now? One thing ends and I pause to look and see where the next adventure will begin. I find myself on that trail again. Looking at a few paths that could be ahead of us and some of them dark or very long. Don't get me wrong, I've taken many of those long paths and been more than thankful that I did.

I just feel like I'm on some kind of spiral. I reach the end, and I'm at the beginning. It is a different situation; however, it is a similar circumstance each time. It is funny how each person seems to truly have a kind of destiny even if you don't always look at it that way. It seems my path has a lot to do with starting new adventures. I don't ever get to really delve into something the way I'd like. As soon as I've fulfilled my purpose I get sort of moved on in one way or another. I invented the curriculum, I am the guinea pig for new courses, I've started 3 offices, I create a new set of documents from scratch... I'm not complaining. Please don't read into it like that. I'm just saying it's interesting how I seem to be chosen for these innovative situations and I'm excited at the beginning... by the end, I'm bruised, everyone has moved on to the next gig or there were few that were actually willing to help build the vision. Or simply what I was involved in just wasn't the best evolution of the idea.

The only part of this path that bothers me, is my own expectation that wants to master something. I desperately envy those that get to stay at the same job for years. Or at least in the same field. I've done so much and I'm grateful for my experiences, but in the end I've felt scattered rather than fulfilled. I suppose at 40 I wish I'd had 20 years on the job and have a wonderful savings and own a home and have a college fund set up for my son... and have my college paid off by now. However, none of these things is in place. I feel sad about it because it is someone else that has put these perfect dreams into my head. What can I do to help me see the stars that I've seen before? I made choices because they were the best decision at the time. I do not regret them. Not entirely. I'm a perfectionist so at times I re-hash projects or actions thinking that I could have worked harder... not let my heart get in the way...

drawings of main street vandergrift, pa for business owners, 2007

The truth is I've followed my heart... not my head many times. I've thought that my travels would make me a better architect. (I loved being an architect) A better designer. (for my love of design) Give me a broader view of the world that I'd be able to rely on in my profession and in my life. (because I love sitting in cafes and reading on a street in London, Paris, & Rome) And all of that is true... if you're designing... if you have a job... if you're in a place that wants to hear about what you've learned. How can I use these memories? How can I make a life move forward when I'm stuck with a million memories of places, people and experiences that I LOVED. That I still LOVE. Yet it all feels like it happened for nothing. But that can't be... can it?

the spanish steps, watercolor; rome, italy 2006

It is very dark. And I'm looking for my stars. I see them but they don't make any sense yet. Like when you are learning constellations and you wonder... who the hell made that up?? I focus on all the stars... the ones in the background seem distracting and keep me from concentrating on the bright ones that supposedly look like a dipper and a horse and a warrior. I will never forget when I was camping several years ago with some of the most incredible women in my life. There were 6 of us roughing it in the Boundary Waters. If you've ever been north as far as the Boundary Waters the sky begins to change. I could see the Milky Way without a telescope. There were so many stars my mouth just dropped open. I didn't know you could see so many stars without a telescope. Without going to the planetarium. It was awe-inspiring. Burned into my mind for the rest of my life.

boundary waters, minnesota

I've been to Montreal, Canada and Anchorage, Alaska as well where I've seen the northern lights. I keep these memories along side of sitting on the Spanish Steps almost everyday I lived in Rome, standing on the top of the Eiffel Tower. Walking down 5th Avenue. Impulsively taking the train to Bath. Spending New Year's in Brugges. Lying in a hotel room that had a window looking over the city of Vancouver... I kept the curtains open because there was a full moon and the skyline against the mountains was so breath taking I couldn't fall asleep. Snowboarding on my birthday... in Switzerland. Overlooking the Mediterranean Sea in a small Greek fishing village drinking wine. Seeing Notre Dame. Buying a handmade book in Gubbio. Exploring churches in Sicily. Looking at Falling Water from the overlook, walking inside and actually having my heart skip a beat. Running down cobblestone streets. Riding bikes to get ice cream in small farming villages in Austria. Got married on Copper Mountain. Put my feet in a glacial river in Italy... I could go on and on...