Last post from the past... Because if I don't tell you about Serenity it just wouldn't be right. In fact, he is sort of the reason I felt I needed this blog. I met Serenity the Tuesday night that Sparks found out that he was laid off. Serenity and I met up at a wine bar neither of us had been to. He was cute and we had a lot in common from our little email conversations. He just finished culinary school about a year ago and had spent some time in France. I was really excited to talk to him about this as you all know I am a bit of a foodie.
He picked the first glass of wine. A sparkling white from France. I picked the second my favourite smokey carmenere from Chile. Of course he was impressed. (laugh out loud here) I played the 'whoa, I didn't remember it being THAT good card.' Yeah, yeah I know... anyway... we ended up ordering a little food. We are going on a few good hours of conversation now. He was married, in the service, lived over seas, divorced after 3 years. She was a bit of a monster... FLAG.
Okay. Here's the rule. Yes, we are divorced. Things didn't work out. But just like getting fired from a job. No bashing of the spouses. For me this is a golden rule. It's bad karma and it's completely unnecessary. There are a million reasons people split up. But you are split up. No need to revisit the who did what to whom. Yuck, move on. And even if she wasn't a stellar mate, did you want to tell me all of this over our first date? Oops... not a date. Just a meet up. We split the bill.
We part ways and agree to see one another again. I am blowing this spouse thing off a bit and chalking it up to nervous chatter. Sunday we are going to have brunch.
He picks me up on Sunday and we go to this absolutely fantastic brunch joint. So delicious and they give you a pot of french press coffee. I love it already. This time conversation is much more smooth. But I am a little bugged that we haven't 'sparked' like I did with my first guy. Serenity and I have just as much to talk about. He's attractive to me. But damn if there isn't something bugging me. We talk about our travels and experiences. Where we grew up and our families. He tells me that he does yoga and meditation. Also Tai Chi. Hmmmm... interesting. What was it my friend Emily said about people that are really obsessive about this stuff? We had a really nice date. Oops... not a date. Just a meet up. We split the bill. Hmmmm... is he not really into me?
That week we talk a few times casually on email... how's your day? yada, yada. But he adds that he wants to make me dinner. Now this is nice. Since I told him about living with my friend Vanesh and her family in Winchester, UK he wants to make me an Indian curry. Well, I didn't tell him but he was taking a huge leap of faith here even thinking he could make me curry to top Vaneshrie's. But, what the hell, let him try. I am sure it will be good anyway. I agree to bring the bread.
Dinner was... a recipe. I know, I know... that sounds so harsh. The company was good. The desert was good. Dinner was good! I am not trying to put anyone down here. But when you cook for someone the first time, I don't care if an omelete is the best thing you make, THAT is what you cook. He followed the recipe to perfection. It wasn't anything I would ask for again. I am a nice girl and I faked an appetite for his cooking. With all the mmmm's and oooohhh's and even and oh my god! This is so good. Yeah... never thought I would have to do that.
Serenity doesn't live far from me, but it was late so he drove me home. He also brews this crazy vinegar tasting Japanese tea called Kombucha that is suppose to boost your immune system. I agree to have a cup. It is slow going down but isn't awful. And I really don't want to get sick so I will try anything. I take the tea cup in the car with me and he drops me off. He also gives me a hug then leans around and plants a kiss on me. ARRGH. I pull away and say how I am totally full of germs and he shouldn't be doing that. He's just smiling like he did something bad and he LIKES it. Oh no. I don't even know if I WANT to kiss this guy. I am not feeling 'sparks' or anything yet. He's nice... but I am still getting a weird vibe.
After this date I do get a little sick. Not horrible, but not great. I seem to be standing on the edge of the flu knife. Achy, headache, sore throat and yet nothing progressing into the shadowy depths of what I know the flu is capable of. I am still able to function and wake up each day. But I tell Serenity I am sick while I work out a way to back this truck up and think about how I really feel.But I know I am not that into him. I know this because of my reaction to Sparks. I also know he is a nice guy with a good job and cute apartment and that he likes me and wants to cook me lots of dinners. That is nice and I shouldn't just push that aside. Sometimes it takes a little wooing and seduction to get some sparks going. However, we have some flags... he has a funny little way of cutting on people in a seemingly 'nice' way. His sarcastic humor is borderline mean and he said some nasty things about his ex. Also, the dinner was our 'first date' and he really isn't doing any wooing at all... Even my ex-husband sent me flowers after our first date. That was awesome. :)
This Chapter is called... 'Do you know what an analogy is?'
We have a little phone tag for a bit, email and text while I am sick. Then he sends me THE email. Paraphrased, "... are we going to see each other again or not?" But, he also includes a story...
"I also have a little story for you. :-) When I was about twenty and in Japan, I had a girlfriend that gave me this great smelling French cologne that was called, "Indifference". Birthday, Christmas, White Day (in Japan, Valentine's is unidirectional so there are two holidays, one for each sex to present to the other)... who knows, but I really loved this cologne because not only did it smell fantastic but I really dug the name and all that it implied; namely an aloofness/derision from/towards the opposite sex that fit, oh so well, the macho image that young men are expected to express instead of just saying , "Hey, I like you." That was all well and good back then, but... ;-) what I am feeling from you right now is also indifference; whether it be, indifference to me, indifference to dating, or indifference to trying to date me. I can't really say with any certainty."
Huh. That's funny, I don't remember Serenity asking me to make plans in any of our other emails or voice mails. In fact, one voice mail I got sounded so short and well, honestly so snippity I didn't want to call him back. I definitely don't remember him asking me out after he dropped me off from the dinner date either. He just sort of jumps to what is going on and you're being indifferent. It's been 7 days since our dinner date. Then he says you've been sick but that can't account for everything.
Whoa. What the? Flags anyone? anyone?
I responded with a bit of a shy email. I explained how I wanted to take things really slow. I wanted to get to know him better. And I also gave him a 'story'. Apparently, that story is served with a can of worms that I won't know have opened, squirmed everywhere and infested the whole situation. By the way... emails SUCK when you don't know the other person! Just so we're clear.
I made my email and responses pink because it's cute.
Heres my little story: There was this episode of Sex In The City when Carrie begins hanging out with Aiden who she really likes. They start dating and after two dates she is wondering why he hasn't tried to sleep with her. They go on about 4 more dates and she is going crazy thinking there is something wrong with her. Finally she breaks and asks him why she isn't attractive to him or why he isn't into her. He explains that he wants to get to know her and take it slow so when things really click between them it will mean something to both of them. But they need to take the time to get know each other to realize if that can even happen. To sum up, I'm Aiden not Carrie. I'm slow. I need to take a lot of time thinking about how things can really happen. And if they should. I'm sorry I didn't say something the second that you kissed me. I should have told you that I wasn't ready for that yet.I wasn't ready because I didn't know how I felt about Serentiy yet. Here is how he got the nickname Serenity. This is it Matty... this is the angry letter. Yes, I still read it to see if it was real sometimes. Join me in my fun. When I sent this to Emily I said," We aren't even dating yet and I am exhausted." I am just going to post the whole thing. Again, my story was an ANALOGY.
Sex and the City was a good show that I did find very entertaining but at the same time I always felt very sorry for the guys that would end up dating the girls that grew up watching that show in their formative years. I thought that the girls taken as individuals were absolutely insane, schizophrenic, and dysfunctional in a way but if you took all of their qualities and considered them as a whole that, collectively, they made one hell of a woman. Never thought about this before but maybe the same could be said for all their major paramours? Hmmm...
(DANG, he feels sorry for the guys I date. And since I took the road to identify myself with a male character on the show, IN MY ANALOGY. Hang on, did he just call me 'absoultely insane, schizophrenic and dysfunctional? I don't think we are dealing with my definition of analogy anymore.)
I did join Eharmony to find a girlfriend. Does it have to happen in a few dates or even weeks? Absolutely not. Consequently, the dating multiple people bothers me too; not that I am a jealous person at all. I know it happens in the normal course of meeting new potential partners and overlap occurs but as an intention from the start I am not okay with that. Been there, done that, over it. So, call me old-fashioned in that respect. If exclusivity, providing of course things go really well, in the near future is not up for consideration for you then please let me know now.
(Basically, the been there done that line is so done we need a new word for done. Here is where the exhaustion really hits you in the face.)
So, what is my short response to a long explanation? I am not completely sure. It is partly up to you still. My first instinct was to say thanks and maybe if our situations change, then we can give each other a call in the future. I am glad I did not meet you six months or even six weeks ago because I would have most definitely thought, "I don't need this. I am outta here!" And for that I have to thank the collected wisdom of Taijiquan for having more applications than just in the martial realm. I just started rereading a Tai Chi book and one of the first pages discussed the concept of luo, which is to roll back from an attack (not just physical) and neither retreat nor resist it but to relax and accept it with total awareness and I think this is a situation in which that concept is pertinent for me.(Still up to me? Are you kidding? Dude. You haven't even asked me out again!! And I wouldn't say yes after you badgered me to death with all of this. Thank who's ever God you want that you have that Tai Chi book to recoil from my attack. My attack? Sweet. At least he can relax and accept this with total awareness. I can finally sleep tonight.)
(Vexing!! I vex him?? I told him I thought the tea he gave me kept me up the night I was getting sick. It was probably the fact that I was achy and had a headache as well. Who the hell cares! But here he is calling me a liar! Wow. We've seen each other three times. What the hell brought this to my door step? I am not losing sleep over a lousy kiss after a lousy meal. DAMN YOU CUPID!!!)
Also,the fact that you were freaked out enough by a "peck" that you didn't know how to discuss it with me and ended up losing sleep over it (I don't buy your kombucha/caffeine theory anymore) is slightly vexing. So, please, tell me these things. I am not a mind reader, never have been and never will; but I am a really good listener.
(How to end on a good positive note. Must have been from the Tai Chi book. Dang. I am glad it all worked out for you Serenity. I'll be running in the other direction as quickly as possible if you don't mind.)
I have to say that I like everything about you that I have seen so far, very much indeed; enough to continue despite the (for me) less than ideal circumstances. Provided of course we can come to some sort of middle ground that works for both of us.
So, with that I leave the ball in your court. If you would like to call or e-mail me or even meet to discuss some middle ground then that would be great. :-)I emailed him and told him I hope that he will find the love of his life and success in his restaurant. I did also mention that I didn't appreciated being called a liar and I wouldn't want to hold him back. I was polite, concise and I am mailing him his tea cup back. He responded saying that my biggest fault was being too independent and that his was being too honest. I was his 'great white hope' that he hadn't dated in a year and wouldn't be dating anytime soon. I ruined it for him. He said I was oh so promising. Really? Was I? The too independent insane me? or the schizo dysfunctional me? Which one did you fall for?
E Harmony isn't shopping online for a frickin' sofa to set in your life. I am a real person! Damn you Cupid.
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