What do I know. I know that my big brother was married at 21 and was married for 21 years until my sister-in-law passed away from cancer. I also know he is remarried and so incredibly happy he will never be divorced. My little brother was married at 20 and is going on his 15th wedding anniversary. My great-grandparents were married at 18 and were together over 60 years when my great-grandfather passed. My grandparents were married at 18 and made it to 60 years until my grandfather passed away. I even know that my parents were married at 18 and that marriage lasted through 4 kids and 17 years. My friend Andy married at 21 still going strong after 10 years. I know that I was married at 28 and it lasted 2 years. I know that my sister was married at 29 and that lasted one year. I know that two of the guys I have dated were married at 29 and 30. Their marriages each lasted about 2 years.
From my small bit of collected real Rebekah research and experience, obviously observed and scientific.Not the wisdom from "THEY" or what "THEY" say. Just a little huh... I wonder, tells me that the younger marriages seem to last longer. What is it? I have a couple ideas of course. One being that as we get older we don't figure out what we want, we just get pickier. Yeah. I said it. We are picky and set in our ways and aren't really comfortable letting anyone getting to know us. Not all of us anyway. We still share the music and movies. Cause that part is cool.
When I was 20 all I needed was a few tatoos, possibly a piercing and a black t-shirt to make me swoon. He had to know his music, movies and pop-culture. If he had read Kerouac I was in love. If his favourite movie was anything sci-fi I was in lust. If he painted or god forbid... a musician you need to give me oxygen I was going to hyperventillate from the lack of oxygen in my 7th heaven. Bring me flowers, a bottle of wine or make me dinner and I would have floated to the ceiling. Damn it was so easy for me to be happy and I look back on it now and it was so simple! A little attention went a long way. Now I am supposed to size everyone up by school, salary, car and genetics. Anything you can think of except a spontaneous night of watching traffic and then staying up until 4am making out to another movie on his sofa. Because you can't do that anymore. He leaves and has to be to work early to have an 8am meeting proposal due. AAAAAHHHHH!!!!
When I was 20 I was in love. He did everything he could to make happy he could make me. And I did the same. It was really great. Why didn't we get married? Why didn't we stay together? "THEY" told me that there are so many other things to do before you 'tie yourself down' 'lose it all' 'ruin your life' 'you have so much going for you why put roots down now?' 'There are so many fish in the sea' and my all time favourite,'you are just so young, how do you know you're in love?' You can't possibly know what love is.
Turns out, I'm 36. And I knew what love was when I was 20. Life is funny like that. I miss him so much.
We still think about each other. We still wonder what would have been. But now we are pushing 40 and have made decisions that we are supposed to make because they are now logical and won't upset anyone. I don't believe these decisions are anymore logical than when we were 20. What do we know now that we didn't know when we were 20? We know that we finished school, have successful careers and have experinces under our belts. We have all the travel, toys and houses that people our age accumulate when kids aren't involved. We also have 15 extra years of baggage to bring into a relationship. 15 years of living and dating several people and comparing them to the person that we fell in love with 15 years ago. The one we were too young to be with. The person we wished maybe would have been there through 15 years of growing up. Growing up together. Life is funny like that.
I know. I sound jaded. It's because I am. It hurts a lot. I'm trying to move on. I just want my life to be that movie with Nicholas Cage and Tea Leone... I can't think of the name. But he gets to see his if he would have married Tea and had kids. He sees at first glance that he wouldn't have made it to wall street. But he has this great family and house and life is good. Then he realizes it wasn't that wall street wasn't his whole dream. It was just part of it. Having kids and being with this girl were more important.
I'm on wall street and I don't have the luxury of going back. I realize I can only go forward in some other way and I'm greiving for that. I wanted to see my life with those kids and that big fluffy dog. I miss it and I didn't know how much I would. I knew exactly what I wanted when I was 20. Now... I have no F-ing clue.
(A Fine Frenzy - Lifesize)All for love we become
Larger than lifesize, wondersome
Great in the eyes of someone
Larger than lifesize we become
Great in the eyes of someone
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